Celebrating Insecurity (not!) 1

I'm always worried that I post too much. It's not so much that I get tired of seeing my own name but that I feel like people will go away if they see my name too much... because they'll think that I'm more wrapped up in what I have to say than what they have to say.

I know that it's not true, and even if it is what people think, I know that it's not what I'm about. Despite this knowledge though, I continue to feel insecure. I save posts... don't post things until the board slows or until someone else posts a topic so that I don't see my name 100 times in a line.

Along with a lot of other things that I really want to work on, this insecurity is one of them.

I have to keep nudging myself... keep saying to myself, "Who cares? They'll get over it!", in an attempt to get past all the fear.

I can joke about being "The Bad Guy", but I don't like being seen in that light. I don't like not being liked or thought of in a negative way. Probably the reason I joke about it so much is because I want people to know that I don't want to be seen that way. Pretend that it doesn't bother me so that people don't do it in order to hurt me. Get used to hearing it so that I can easier let it roll off my back.

CB mentioned something about "running at the dog" in another thread. The suggestion is completely stupid. Dogs will gladly fight you... and often, you'll lose. The metaphor is dead on though. What he was attempting to say about facing fear is an important thing to know.

That which frightens you can only continue to frighten you if you refuse to face it and deal with it. No, you can't yell a tornado into submission, but you can find shelter and wait it out. If you lose your gourd over the thing, you'll lose.

That which you fear the most is your weak spot. Face the fear, let it pass, and you end up stronger.

The world won't end if people don't like me. It never has in the past (much as I thought it would).


I like you very, very, VERY much. Now, please go home. I need my space right now.

Some day I'll be able to say things like that without the aid of meds to stop the shaking.


...and some day I'll stop giving a shit about posting too much.