Onward in therapy (1)

I suppose that I'm at an interesting crossroads, of sorts, in therapy.

When I started seeing SH in October of 2002, I decided that I was going to tell her my life story. I'd never done it before, told the whole story to anyone. I'd tried, on paper at least, to get through it all, even for my self, but never was able to. I usually ended up stopping somewhere about age 7 or 8.

Well, I got past 7 or 8, and have ended up at 14 or 15. This is the critical mass point. It's after my "awakening", and before my leaving home. It's what it all built up to...

SH has cried and gone bug eyed over much of my story. There's no problem "justifying" my "disorder". I have enough within the first couple of years to do that. But now... here's the critical mass point... the point in my life where, depending on how you look at it, I cracked entirely, or I gave up, or I decided to "survive".

I left. My mother, to this day, dumps that on me. I chose to leave. It's about me wanting to be different.

that's what it's all about...

Am I "bad"? Was I... am I "wrong". Am I weak? Am I simply rebellious? Am I selfish? Did I ask for it? (Those are rhetorical questions.)

So... it's critical mass. The point where I sit and I ask my therapist those questions. Where I ask the opinion of an "outsider" who now knows every last bit of what happened, or at least has heard it.

Will she take my side because she's my therapist and it's her job to do so? Can she stop crying long enough to step back and see it as a parent might? Do I really want her to?

There's "part 2" of the story to come. It doesn't get a whole hell of a lot prettier.

In the end... if it's all justified... if it's really not my fault... then what? What happens if at the end of all this storytelling it boils down to that... that it truly is not my fault... that I'm truly and justifiably "disabled"... that's it's not about my not trying or my choosing to be this way? What does that change? Will my knowledge of "the truth" change anything? If I stop doubting myself, will others around me stop doing so? Will I ever stop wanting to kill people, or myself, every time I hear "You look fine!"?

I don't know what I'm getting at. My head is spinning a little.

Think I best stop here.