Onward in therapy (4)

I dunno... with some people it's about wanting them to be objective, with others it's wanting them to "take my side".

It's not so much about "blame"... but then sometimes it is. Depends on the day. Do I want others to want to kill my mother as intensely as I do? Depends on the day. Do I want people to understand why I want to kill my mother? Yes. It's not about "blame", it's about hurt, anger, ...RAGE. The whole thing is that it will always be my word against theirs... my word against the world's...

I do hope that one day I can grow to the point of it not mattering to me what others think, but I'm certainly not there yet. I'm still at the point where people's opinions matter to me. Still at the point where if someone takes the side of my parents or believes the crap that they or any other family member spews, I can barely control the rage. It's odd though... often, when that rage hits, it's not that I want to kill any of them, it's more myself that I want to do in. The "blame" shifts, and then I become such an awful person that I don't deserve to live... and the pain becomes so intense that I don't want to.

I go day to day. I try not to kill myself (blame myself), and I try not to kill others (blame them).

Just typing about this is giving my head a run for its money ...It's trying to shift... trying to switch... visions of razors dance in the back of my mind...

I desire a drink. I haven't had a drink yet this year. Sometimes I forget that my head is actually fucked up. I take their words to heart and blame alcohol... that's what they often blame... drugs and alcohol. It's not that my state of being was legitimate, it was something I did to myself. My fault. The blame is on me.

I never could prove it to them that it wasn't drugs or alcohol. I was even put into a "rehab". The rehab booted me. I wasn't addicted to anything. That wasn't enough though... they conveniently forget that today.

I want so desperately to walk away completely... but I can't. I love my brother. My brother is, and always has been, part of what makes my life worth living. He's linked though... to all of that... to them... and I can't tell him to take sides. (All due respect, S. I don't mean to talk about you like you're not here... just running with my train of thought.) There are sides. As much as I want there not to be. Every time I talk with him, I realize that there are. Even if I don't blame his family, they still hold an opinion, and that opinion, based on what they saw... how I had to be around them backs up "the other side".

"You look fine"

Yes, I'm a master at that. I'll always look fine. I'm well trained.