DragonCon (A rant)

If you asked me on September 9th, 2001 whether or not I'd be at next year's DragonCon, I would've had to stifle the urge to laugh in your face. ("your" in general, not specific) Out of all the trips I've taken in my life, I'd have to rank last year's DragonCon as one of the WORST. But for a few exceptions, my entire stay in GA was completely HELLISH.

I don't know that I want to go into the details of why, really. The long and short of it is that I am not able to be in social settings, and the older I get, the worse it gets. At this point, with very little exception, I can't handle the company of more than 3 or 4 people at once without meds. Last year's DragonCon helped me to realize that a bit more. I simply need my space, and the only people I can tolerate in it are people that I am intimate with. Last year I felt violated, disrespected, smothered, insulted, and all around pissed off.

There was SO much that I wanted/needed to discuss after that trip... but, unfortunately, by the time I woke up from recuperating from my train ride home, some idiots decided to fly a few planes into a few buildings and completely fuck with the state of the world... and hence, my (and everyone else's) life.

Between the 9/11 mess, my fucked up living situation, my declining mental health, and the fact that I didn't get to resolve anything from DragonCon... well... you saw what happened to (my board/online community).

So... now DragonCon 2002 is around the corner... and because that's the way the human mind works... I'm actually feeling bad about the fact that I can't afford to go this year. Pretty twisted, huh. I don't know why I feel like I wish I could go, maybe it's like what I used to do with PTD... keep going back for more with the hope that things will, someday, be perfect.

The problem is... wherever you go, there you are. It's not that the event wasn't perfect, it's that I'm not perfect. No matter where I go, these issues arise. I'm intolerant, oversensitive, paranoid, antisocial, and damnit... I have an illness. It's odd how if you have a broken toe people go easy on you, but if your brain is broken you're either shunned, discriminated against, or simply disbelieved.

So... what do I do? Do I stay in my apartment for the rest of my life? I can't expect the world to compensate for my disability, can I? Shit, I can't even expect people to believe that I have one, let alone take it into consideration. *sighs*

I do wish that I'd hit the lottery. If I did, I'd get a room and be there... and I'd attempt to learn from last time... and maybe... I'd have some fun... and maybe I wouldn't. It's all about money though, as usual... and all about my damn disability, as usual. If it wasn't for the fact that I have the damn disability in the first place, I could afford to go. "Afford" it financially, and "afford" it mentally.