(Freud)

Allow me to relate a story... and perhaps explain why I asked about your mother...

It's been about a year since I started with my current therapist. I've had really bad luck with shrinkydinks in the past, but with this one, I'm actually getting somewhere. It's been rough, but I've made a lot of progress... got to things that I didn't even know were there.

That brings me to Bondage and S/M. I've indulged in this sort of thing for quite a long time... and never really gave it a lot of thought. To me, S/M - B/D stuff is the norm. It's just another aspect of human sexuality that some people are into.

I started questioning things a bit though, during and after my last sexual relationship. (I think it was March or April.) True, I'd thought on things before, having to do with my violent sexual feelings towards women, and how my hatred for my mother might be at the root... but... I suppose the reality of it was just something I didn't want to focus on too much.

So, I was in my session talking about it... explaining how (basically) what I'm really into is humiliating women... that nothing turns me on more than that... and that makes me feel like a pretty twisted, bad, person.

so... what does she say?

Well, of course you are, that's what your mother did to you.


I thought I was going to have a heart attack.


She immediately realized that this had never occurred to me... and spent the rest of the session making sure that I was ok to leave. I left, but spent days in a suicidal haze.

This wasn't so much a "recovered memory" type thing as it was a realization... a really painful one... one that made me question my whole life... my individuality, my uniqueness, everything. All I had left was a love of sushi. Everything else... all of it, was nothing but a reflection of my parents... my whole life, nothing but a series of REactions.


So...

Tell me about your mother....

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6:48 PM
I think that I understood this before... but it never quite clicked completely. Before, it was, "I hate my mother, so I'm taking it out on all women.", after, it was "I'm doing to my mother what she did to me... over and over again."

It just really split my brain open... realizing that everything that I considered to be an action, want, or desire of my own was actually just a REaction to what was done to me, or offered to me by my parents as a child. Everything was either to protect myself from them, or get them to love me.

I was left feeling about 2 inches tall... like nothing.


I don't know that S/M - B/D is all about that for everyone, but I do think that maybe it's something to look at if you indulge.