Doubting Thomas (cont'd)

It's fogginess... yet it's not.

It's tough to put into words... (it's not easy putting things into words when the problem is that you can't put things into words )

I think that it might best be explained by first discussing the difference between what you consider to be "open minded" and "closed minded". My problem comes in once you take the concept of "open mindedness" and follow it through to its logical end point.

I can't define anything. Nothing is "definable". The only definitions I have are the definitions of others, and being that there are a gazillion others, there's no one definition for anything... hence, I can't say anything that is both truthful and accurate. I can't express myself. In order to be understood and also not feel like a liar or hypocrite, I have to say even simple sentences a billion different ways.. and even then I still feel like a hypocrite because many of those ways contradict one another.

When I speak/write I always feel like a liar, so I attempt to find ways of phrasing things in order to avoid that. Attempting to do that makes even a short sentence mentally grueling. It happens more with answering questions than with asking them. If I answer a question, I have to give my opinion... but yet I have to give my opinion in the other person's language. Most of the time, if I use their language, my answer is contradictory to my own belief. This makes me a liar. If I ask a question, it's a little easier. I just ask it in their language... though it's more difficult on a board, when I have to ask the question 50 different ways in order to get people to understand what it is I'm asking... but it's still easier than attempting to state my opinion on something.

Closed minded people have set definitions of things. Open minded people don't. The problem is that my mind is so open that I can't even speak anymore without it feeling like I'm going against my own personal beliefs. One on one, I can give people the answers they want to hear, but those answers are lies. I can state what I consider to be true, but either people think I'm saying something other than what I'm saying, or they don't understand at all, because everyone is speaking different languages.

On top of all of that, there's the fact that most people don't say what they mean in the first place. They say what they've been taught to say. The only reason I know what they mean is because I've been cursed with this empathy thing.


I have a feeling I'm still not getting my point across.