Love/Hate (like a hole in the head)

I went through a period where I tried and tried with my mother... and forgave and forgave. Something happens when you hit about 20... all of a sudden you start seeing your parents in a different light... at least that's been my experience, through observation of self and others. Eventually though, I just came to the realization that I needed MY mother like I need a hole in the head.

Some of the qualities I feel that I sometimes need in a person, or qualities that I am attracted to, are qualities which I never saw in my own mother, and some of them are ones which I did. That might just be a case of people seeking out that which they lack or that which they desire to conquer... I don't know.

What I find most attractive in a woman is "will"... and intelligence. The upper-class, career woman type who has her life together and who is so incredibly willful that she'll let nothing get in her way of getting where she wants to go. I don't see my mother as someone like that... I see her as someone who always wanted to be someone like that.

Maybe it is just a case of me wanting my mommy... the mommy I expected to have, but never got.