~17 Part 3

4-11 (1987) 11:30 PM

I'm on my way home. Drue called while I was out. Pain. It's almost a year. Why do I still hurt so bad? Why do I still love her? I'm so lonely. I need someone. I had a couple of beers maybe that's why I'm down. Could be. It still hurts though. Whether the beers are to blame doesn't really matter.

There are alot of assholes on this el. I'm down enough to kick some ass. And well armed. 2 knives and a scalpel. Deadly. Let them stare and talk, I could kill them if I wanted to. I feel like it sort of. Killing people just for looking at me wrong. Death is irrelevent when I feel like this. I'll get over it though. So, no, I won't hurt anyone.

What a life. Feeling down, celibacy, loneliness, and a rabbit. At least my rabbit loves me, and I love my rabbit. Some happiness in a grim life. It's wierd how such a small thing can mean so much.

It's a full moon. I like this night, even though I'm down. It's beautiful out. My paradise as a sunny day is to a surfer. The night is my kingdom, my world, my escape from the sun's death.

I look at people, older people, wondering what their lives have been like. I look at middle aged women, beautiful, wondering what it would feel like to love them. I look at girls and pity their floosy ways. I look at myself, and feel alien. Not a girl, not a boy, not a man or a woman. Just another life form, alienated, It's strange.

It's gotta get better. It can't get much worse. Maybe one day love will prevail, and I'll feel content again, happiness, love, satisfaction. Their all so alien, so unreal.