~A Special Place In Hell

That I know of, there have been two people in the course of my life who have violated me. Yes, there were more who violated me, but in this case, I'm speaking of violating me in a specific way.

There are many things I've done throughout the course of my life, in order to keep myself safe and alive. The one thing which has, in all likelihood, worked the most effectively is my journal. My journal is where I can let the "demons" out, so to speak. The journal is where the serial killer in me can play. The journal is where the child in me can cling and cry. The journal is where the asshole can piss all over people. The journal is where the sick, twisted, mother fucker can break every law in the nation.

Taking the safe space of my journal away by entering unwelcome, takes the place away where the demons live. If someone reads my journal, then they see those demons. If people see the demons anyway, what reason do they have to stay in the journal? If a person looks into the pages of my journal, and sees me as a horrible person, what reason do I have not to be one? It's not that the truth is in the journal, and I'm living a lie. The reality is that I'm a really nicer guy, because I keep the bad stuff at bay.

I think that Stephen King's "Dark Half" had something to do with this, although I'm not sure. I only saw the movie, I didn't read the book. With writers like me, we often use the page to give that which is evil in us a home. Too, we use it to give our weakness, our doubt, and our fear a place to be where it won't destroy our lives.

When I tell people... make them promise not to ever read my journal without my permission, I do it not because I'm attempting to hide something from them, or because I'm lying to them, but because I need that safe space. I need that place where I can let out the part of me which would cause harm if let loose, where it is safe for that part to exist. It protects me, and it protects those around me. It's part of my job. It's doing what I need to do in order to not kill myself, or anyone else.

Think of that which you fear most. That's me. That's what needs to live in the journal.

We all have a "dark half". I like to think that I'm a whole hell of a lot safer to be around, because mine has a home.

My mother violated that space when I was very young. She let out some of that darkness. In 1993, my girlfriend violated it. She let out more. There is a special hate I have for both of them because of this. All is not fair in love and war. There are certain courtesies you even give to your worst enemy. When you don't, then you become a demon, and demon wars are forever.

I am a very sick, twisted, dangerous, mother fucker. I live on the page. I live on the page because I'm also a nice guy. I live on the page, because the page is there for me to live on.

I tell people never to read my journals unless I give them permission, because pissing off a demon is not something you ever want to do. They will reserve a special place in hell, just for you.