~17 part 2

3:28 AM 3/1/87

It's rare that I'm in a writing mood lately. Inwardly I'm a fucking mess.

I'm trying to figure out what I need, what I want, who I am. Where all the answers are. There are so many questions, so many god-damned questions.

I thought I had myself all figured out once. I thought I knew what I wanted, where I was going. But now, I just don't know anymore. Everything seems so fine and easy when you're in love, when you are loved. Why is it when love goes away your whole inner self shatters? Does it make me a weak person? Am I so naive? So vulnerable? My lovers say that I have alot to give, that I should find someone worthy of me to give it to. But every time I think that I've found the right one, she says to find someone else. I'm not that wonderful. I don't deserve a princess, nor do I want one. I think what they mean is that I should find someone who can give to me as much as I give to them. Maybe.

Love is only part of life though. I've got school to worry about, college, work, family, money, music, friends. And a wicked urge to get wasted to battle with. Not to mention my all too often violence spells. How long will it be before I won't feel like killing someone every other day? I've just about conquered the suicide problem, now I have the homocide problem. It's ridiculous, one thing after the other. And people wonder why I'm strange.

I just don't know what to do. I'm going nuts!


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Well, what I did was snap. Some kid rolled a pool ball down the pool table, at school, really fast. My hand happened to be on the bumper. Given, this kid was making me nuts all day, but my reaction was a little extreme. I threw it at him. Hard.

I was expelled and being prepared for an "Anger problem" stint in lock up. It obviously wasn't enough of a problem though, because due to some issue with the insurance, I was just re-admitted to school after going through complete hell for about 3 weeks, worrying about having to go in to play with the rest of the nutters.

Drue and her new boyfriend, Brian, were around. That was complete torture for me. She was trying to act friendly... but failing miserably. Yes, one morning they stopped by with a bunny. It was a very nice gift. It didn't hurt any less though, or make up for the day when they came over and he was wearing my t-shirt. The whole thing was just wrong. She'd call me and things were back to being intense and connected... the "I love you"s were numerous. Then, in front of Brian... yeah. Might as well have been Marc. Might as well have been a year previous. Nothing had changed, and I was still sucked into it. I'm thinking that just maybe a bit of that anger came from there. Yeah. Just maybe.

To this day, I'm amazed that all I did was throw a pool ball at the kid. True, when I returned to school, the Principal made him lift his shirt and show me his back, which was still black where the ball had hit, but shoot, at least I didn't stick a knife in him.

That Principal, rumor has it, was removed because of being "inappropriate" with the boys. Yes, I do wonder how he knew what the kid's back looked like in the first place.

The world is a happy place. The world is a happy place. The world is a happy place.

God... it so COMPLETELY sucked being a teenager. I wonder why I occasionally idealize it. Maybe because it doesn't stop there. Maybe because it gets worse. Maybe because it just stays bad, and then you have more and more baggage the older you get, and it becomes more difficult to maneuver. Whatever the case, I do smile about that time every now and again. There is something to be said for being young, and social, and feeling like the world is yours... fearless... as close to fearless as people ever are, unless they can remain ignorant.

Ignorance is bliss.