~18 part 1

1:13 AM 10-16-87

Ah, time for another fun entry in this stupid yellow book.

Things are going a little nutty. I had what you might call a relapse on Monday, I flipped out and sliced my arm up again. I don't know why I broke down, I just did. Sometimes it feels that the whole world is on my shoulders, and I just collapse under it. Monday was one of those times. I guess I have to get my ass in therapy again before any more "break-downs" follow.

Needless to say I had to be stupid about the whole thing and run to Drue for support. Wrong, bad bad move. She'll fly away the minute she thinks I need her too much. Some lover I've got, here when she's horny, gone when I really need her. She's got Brian to lean on when she needs someone right away, I run to her for support and offer mine but she doesn't need it, he's there. So, who can I count on when I need support and a shoulder to cry on? No one. These are the drawbacks of loving a taken woman, you give her all you can but her happiness comes from another. She wants to run my life, but won't budge an inch for me. Stubborn, big headed, selfish woman, and I have to fall in love with her. She can be so kind and loving one minute, and the next she can be so cruel. It hurts bad enough when I get depressed and suicidal, it hurts even more when she turns to ice. I give and give but what do I get from her? Some good sex? I don't know, I'm just pissed at her right now so I'm being overly critical, things may clear up, I guess I'll find out soon enough.