Just one of those days

3:55 PM
I really hate low self esteem days. It's rare that I have a high self esteem day anymore. I used to have a lot more of them.

I don't know what happened to me over the last few years... but I've lost a lot of that positive sense of self that I used to have. Maybe it's the online beatings I've taken. Maybe it's having one of my closest friends treat me like an insolent child. Maybe it's finally realizing that my own parents and family members (other than S.) really don't care about me at all... and to this day blame me for not only my own torment, but theirs as well. Maybe it's being single for a while. Maybe it's the lack of human contact in my daily life. Maybe it's all of it. I don't know.

All I know is that today I feel pretty horrible... and that it's not a rare occurrence.

---

5:37 PM
Cancelled the shrink. I've cancelled more than I've made over the past few months.

I'm very hungry.
I'm very unstable.
I'm too sober.

I can't post more than that.