(tick tick tick... BOOM!!!) The Story

I wrote this to post on CB's board, in case A.'s response to my "Please leave me alone" post was what I expected it to be. It was. A.'s doe eyed response poked at me even more... and so I feel the need to post this. I still don't think that it completely explains my problems with A.... but then, I'm not sure how to make it any simpler. She's just not all there. The lights are on, but no one is home.

I'm not going to post it on CB's board. I have no desire to hear one more "I'm sorry" or to have what is written here thrown in my face.

...but I need to post it. Maybe someone will read it and be able to extrapolate just what the problem is from what I've written. Maybe someone else can give me the easy sentence that I need in order to explain it.

whatever... I just need to post this.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In order to explain anything, I have to go back to the first Dragon Con.

When the first Dragon Con was being planned, A. and Jx decided to help get me there. I really didn't want to go, but I did like the idea of being able to meet some of the people I'd met online. I let both Jx and A. know my deal. I had problems with sharing rooms with other people. Because of my head, what staying with people amounts to is my not sleeping and being paranoid the whole time.

I agreed to sharing a room with A. Because I'd spent so much time explaining my "issues" to her, and she seemed to be listening to me, I thought that everything would be fine.

In the meanwhile, I met C. C. really wanted to come to Dragon Con, and I really wanted to meet C. offline. When I first "met" C., I didn't know she was married. Then, she filled me in telling me that she was, but that she and her husband were separated and he didn't live with her anymore. That story changed in about a week or two, when her husband came home from his latest military assignment or wherever he'd been. Despite that though, she said that she was planning on getting divorced, and that if our offline meeting was as intense as our online/phone relationship, she'd make him sign the papers as soon as she got home from the Con. (Yes, I should have seen that as a warning, but... live and learn)

A. and Jx decided to help me and C. out. Instead of paying for my convention ticket, they put that money towards C.'s bus ticket.

The room ended up being the "party" room. I was paranoid, yes, but I dealt ok. I stayed pretty plastered and enjoyed my time with C.

When I got home, the lies started/continued. C. put me through shit I can't even explain here. For support, I turned to A. She seemed to be there for me.

Things got worse and worse with C. Not only was there no divorce in sight, but there were so many lies that to this day I have no real idea what, if anything, was true. All I do know is that I spent 24 hours a day either waiting online for her, calling her, talking to her on the phone, or going insane. I sent her a plane ticket so that she could visit. It was never used. I ran up hundreds of dollars in phone bills. I deleted my posts at PTD so that her husband couldn't track me down.

(and here's where A. comes in)

I decided to construct a Dragon Con Webpage. Throughout everything that was going on with C., I told A. EVERYTHING. Most especially, I told her about making no reference to my relationship with C. online, because her husband was on the warpath.

A. sent me her "DragonCon" story.

I had to edit page after page of it. Why? Along with seemingly trivial things like not remembering what we did, ate, or people's hair colors, the whole damn thing was all about me being involved with C.!

ok... her memory isn't the greatest... there was a lot going on, yadda yadda yadda.

I blew it off.

I continued to attempt to see A. as a friend and as a source of support. Things only got worse with C. I was physically ill, emotionally drained, and... in the end... I lost my apartment. To say that I was a mess would be the understatement of the year.

Now forced to stay in the suburbs with a friend of mine, her husband (who seemed to hate me), her toddler, 3 cats, and a dog (with me having horrible allergies), in an 8'x8' room, without a car or the ability to drive... I finally broke. I told C. to get out of my life.

What did I get from A.?

"Oh... that's a shame. I really wish you guys would get back together."

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?


ok... maybe A. just wasn't good at expressing herself... maybe she just fed into C.'s lies about the whole thing... I didn't know.

I let it slide.

Then, PTD blew up.

I asked CB and A. if they'd be interested in creating a board with me. Both of them were VERY interested.

Then, both of them vanished.

I know, life happens... so I plugged away, taking care of things myself. It wasn't an easy task, and no matter how many times I asked for help from them, I got none. The few times A. actually did show up, she had no clue as to what was going on. She didn't read. She went directly to CB's posts, read and replied to them, sometimes posted something herself, then disappeared again.

True, A. was in the middle of leaving her husband. She didn't have the time or energy to dedicate to the board. I understood that, but I guess I just hoped that when she did actually get a few minutes, she'd at least read some of the posts that were entitled "PLEASE READ" or "VERY IMPORTANT".

I blew it off.

Then, there was the idea of moving South.

A. wanted to move to Atlanta. I needed to move out. I need to live in a city. Made sense to me. We'd find a place in Atlanta and maybe it'd work for both of us.

I spent hours talking to A. about things. I HAD to. Because of my "disability", there are certain things people have to know about me if they're in a living situation with me.

Within a day of being at CB's with A. (we went there to go apartment/job hunting), I came to the conclusion that there was NO WAY I could move there.

A. didn't want to move to Atlanta. A. wanted to move to the suburbs. For me, it made no sense. I'd be leaving the only semblance of family I had, to live in an almost identical situation in a state I really can't stand. (No offense to Southerners, but us penguins don't like the heat!) I might have been able to do Atlanta. Atlanta is a city. A. didn't want to live in Atlanta. I had to decline.

When I came to that conclusion, I was a mess. I was immediately homesick, and because of the drive down and my car-phobia I was coming down off of my meds. I'm not a crier... but I was rather teary eyed while attempting to explain things to A.

What did A. do?

She came at me to hug me.

After post after post and hour after hour of telling A. things I'd told no one else, and thinking that she was listening when I said "never touch me", at one of my most vulnerable points I'd been at, this woman lunges at me.

I snapped at her.

I then had to comfort HER because I snapped at her.

So... I let it go.

When I left, after she assured me that she understood my reasons why I couldn't move, I was informed of a "dream" she had... That I had attacked her car. Gee A., why don't you tell me what you really think.

I let it go.

A. moves.


Still, A. is not posting.

I miss A.

My friend's husband seems to hate me. We do not speak. I ask him for nothing. I hide in my room. I stay out of his way.

I ask him if it'd be ok to give his old computer to A.

He agrees.

Yay! A. will have a computer.

A. comes up to visit her family in New Jersey. She is going to pick up the computer and my old monitor, and ship them to her new job in GA.

A. shows up with tape, boxes, and more than enough money to ship the computer, leaving it with me (who can barely get to the foodstore without creating tension with my roomates) to send.

I was pissed.

I let it go.


After a few weeks, I finally get my friend to agree to take me to ship the boxes. The boxes do not fit in the car.

I have to ask her husband.

It gets done, but arrives with damage to the monitor.

CB manages to get it running.

CB then thanks me for their computer.


ummmmm.


A.?


I let it go.

A. still rarely shows up to post.


It's time for Dragon Con! YAY!

I learned my lesson the previous year. I do not want the party room. I cannot deal with people. I need an escape room. RBW needs an escape room too. We decide to share. I decide that it might be nice to help someone else out, since the previous year Jx and A. helped me out. NL. decides that she'd be into it. We all agree that after the last party, this time around it'll be invitation only. Things should go fine. If not, I always have a place where I can catch my breath if I need to get away from the crowd.

Over and over and over and over and over again, I was CRYSTAL clear about two things.

1. DO NOT TAKE MY PICTURE WITHOUT WARNING ME FIRST.
2. DO NOT TELL ANYONE WHERE OUR ROOM IS. DO NOT BRING ANYONE TO OUR ROOM. PRETEND THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT WE HAVE A ROOM.

By the time Dragon Con was over and I'd spent some time at CB's, I was so close to killing A. I can't even put it into words... and for those of you who think that I might mean that figuratively, that's not the case. I mean that VERY literally.

(During the actual Con) She'd made a big stink to the entire party because I needed a break, making me look like shit to everyone there.

That sorted out, A. just continues to be A. Whether it's because she's tired, has ADD, or anything else, it was obvious that no matter what I attempted to say to her, it was like talking to a wall.

By the end of that (first) weekend, I was such a mess that anyone who knew me could tell that I was about ready to blow.

We'd just come back from dinner. At dinner, I was so infuriated that I actually had to get up and leave the table because I was about to start throwing things. I think that if it weren't for RBW, I would have.

CB followed me to the bar. I tried talking with him. I couldn't even deal with NL. My last nerve was completely raw.


After dinner, I just needed to chill out.

Somehow, our room was full.

A. then went downstairs while I was attempting to hide out on our balcony talking with Spaw.

RBW, before taking NL. downstairs to get away from the impending explosion, informed me that A. had just gone downstairs to bring up candles and alcohol so that "we" could have a party.

I really don't remember what I said... but they left pretty quickly.

I tried to pull myself together. I really did. I turned on the TV, drank, talked to Spaw.

It wasn't working.

No sooner than I'd said "If she brings Bdude in here I'm going to completely lose it", Bdude walks into the room.

Then, A. walks into the room... with three more people in tow.

With every last bit of composure I had, I asked A., "What are you doing?".

Most of what happened after that is a blur. I took my meds. A. left, taking everyone with her. She then called up to the room in tears. I was mad at her because, as usual, she fucks up and I'm left having to apologize for hurting HER feelings. She then proceeds, still in tears, to go find everyone else.

I look REALLY good now.


I didn't let it go.

When we were, once again, back at the CB's, I pulled her aside and told her that I was concerned about her. That she seemed not to hear/remember anything I said... that maybe her ADD was getting worse.

She said that she had been tired.

The end of the trip, and the end of my trust in A. was while getting NL. to her plane.

Not only did A. keep wandering off looking at the art work in the airport, completely oblivious to just about everything and everyone else around her to the point of us nearly losing her in the place, when she wasn't doing that, what was she doing?

Repeatedly taking my picture.


We went out to eat. I did appreciate the two of them treating me to dinner. It was very kind of them. Did it cancel out everything else? No... but I still thought that it was a nice gesture... and that was, at least, something.


I made my train, barely.



In truth, I've NEVER been so happy to be away from someone as I was on September 10th.

I had A LOT of thinking, and posting to do to attempt to salvage anything with A.


but then came September 11th.


Things on the board went from bad to worse. A. was still never there. Even when I finally closed the board, A. had NO CLUE why I'd closed it. She showed up at (my newly opened public board) COMPLETELY oblivious and didn't bother reading what the board was there for. I create a board to clear up the bullshit, and she shows up posting a "Happy Winter Solstice" thread, as if it's just (my private board/community) II and I'm attempting to start another board for people to chat on.

A. either doesn't read or does not retain anything she does read. I call her on that, and of course, what happens? It gets turned around on me again. Bad Bad FR. Your words are so hurtful.

Not much is resolved on that board. I close it.

I let it go.

I soon reopen (my private board/community).


A. does the same damn thing. She doesn't read. She doesn't bother to see how her posts are affecting people. The main reason she's there seems to be because CB is.

I post a topic wanting to talk about how time seems to cloud things... about how even though last year's Dragon Con was completely awful for me, I actually wanted to go again this year.

What did A. post?

"Ahhh ---I, too, was trying to avoid the "Let's get together for Dragon Con" post--prefering to let someone wade into the doodoo instead.

But now that it was brought up, there were several unfortunate, out-of-control things that went on...magnified because of stress, illnesses, and the general chaos of the place. In fact it was "Dragon Con Part 2" (and often in trying to live up to expectations of 'Part 1" the sequel turns out WORSE--and in many ways it did
It was "Dragon Con on Steroids!"

After the dust had cleared, I've come to some conclusions:

I did my best.
I am not responsible for people's feelings. They are.
I am not the bad guy.

Could we ever have another Dragon Con get together--and have it be a positive experience? Yes, we can--now that we've seen the worst and best aspects of the idea.

Reality replacing false expectations is always good.
Meeting on a personal basis isn't a bad idea either."


I completely snapped.


As a note here, I don't care whether or not CB (as he said) "set A. up". It was for A. to listen to ME, not to CB, if she wanted to hear what I had to say. If she wanted to know how I felt, all she had to do was turn on the computer. She didn't. For years, all she had to do was turn on the computer and read. She didn't. No matter how much I begged her to. Not even after sending her a computer. She STILL could not manage to read. How many times did I say that I didn't need an apology, that I just needed her to STOP doing what she was doing? She completely wrecks me with a post, then waltzes in, and posts some crack-fairy ritual to inform me that SHE's ok with everything?.. that because she says so, I'm supposed to be all fine and dandy with everything?

If she wanted to "drop it" she could have. She could have walked away. She could have just said, "we can't resolve this. I need to stop trying". She didn't... she kept poking and poking and doing everything in her power to prove to everyone who read that thread just how awfully she was being treated... and how caring and forgiving she was... and how I didn't hear HER.


It was, for me, days without sleep. I was a wreck. There was NOTHING I could post that would make me look any less like the "bad guy". It was "evil FR", and poor cornered A. Even when people said their piece, it wasn't their piece... it was just them "sticking up for me".

I finally asked an offline friend for advice, and she pointed out to me that in not banning A. immediately after she posted what she did about RBW (I'm not your home life... yadda yadda yadda), that I was not only insulting RBW, but sending out the message to people that none of my rules have to be followed. Up to that point, the words were angry, what A. posted was COMPLETELY below the belt.

I posted this apology to RBW:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Follows Ravens
Board Meister
Posts: 3485
(7/2/02 8:41:25 pm)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My apologies to you, RBW. Please forgive me. I wasn't thinking straight, and forgot that I was responsible for running (this board), and making people adhere to the rules. I was so busy trying to convince everyone else that I was in the right, that I forgot that not only don't I have to, but that my time was better spent on other, more pressing, issues.

I care for you a great deal, and my ego got in the way of doing the right thing. I apologize, and hope that in the future I do not repeat this act. If I do, please feel free to call me on it. Sometimes I just need someone to remind me that I'm supposed to be "the bad guy".


Very Sincerely,

-FR
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I banned A.


I, after A. continued to e-mail me and insult me, told her exactly why she was banned in detail, attempting to clarify it for her. I asked her to not contact me any further on the issue.

She continued to e-mail me, and continued to insult me.

I finally told her, a little more angrily, to PLEASE "Drop it" ...that I was reopening the board and that she was free to post in the general areas, or anywhere else she was invited, as long as she got another user name. (It was only fair to restart her post count.) I told her that I could not be friends with her because she was "dangerous" to me... that I was done attempting to explain things to her.

She agreed to "drop it".

Then, I get here and see all this crap. To her, they're little jokes. To me, they're her poking and poking and poking until I blow up, and again make myself out to be that bad guy, and her out to be all sweet and innocent.

Yeah, A. It was all about your ex. It had nothing to do with about a month's worth of me and a few others saying "A. just doesn't get it". I'm really not as THINK as you DUMB I am.


so... other than "A., you just don't get it.", what the hell am I supposed to say?

I'm DONE letting things go. I'm DONE trying.

...and most of all... I'm DONE attempting to explain myself to everyone because of her not getting it.


I trusted A., and whether or not she did it intentionally, she trampled all over that trust. I CANNOT continue to put myself in that position.