~I could make it your problem.

Can't sleep.

The head is racing.

Interesting session earlier this evening. Sometimes I'm surprised she lets me walk out of there, given what I admit to.


In life, I can't win. Either you act without thinking and get locked up, or think without acting and have everyone point fingers and tell you that you live in the past.

Most guys like me are in jail. I'm not... but I don't get any rewards for that. I just get people either judging me or simply avoiding me because I'm too angry or have too many problems.

My therapist tells me over and over again how it's not my fault and that I have a right to be angry and all sorts of other validating things. Some days she cries while I attempt to get what little out about my life that I can. Makes me feel funny. I never know what to say... never know whether or not to just shut up. I don't deal well with people crying.

My brother loves me unconditionally. I know that. I believe that. My best friend does too. I can't help but think that that's only because they haven't spent enough time with me though. I only get to talk with my best friend on the phone and online. My brother, I've only really started to get to know him recently. I left home when he was 2, so I got to be his idol. Those are the only 2 people who really give a shit though. I pay the shrink, so I don't count that as really caring.

Other people in my life? It feels like they tolerate me because they think that's what they're supposed to do, or I fill some sort of role for them, or they're trying to "save" me.

In the end, when the gun is in my mouth, it's really only 2 people who stop my finger from pulling the trigger... and it's not because I care for them, although I do, deeply. It's because they care for me.