~The view from down here

Rage and depression came like lightning strikes today. I guess that the rain was sleep. I did a lot of that. I do appreciate the sleep. With me it can be feast or famine. The last couple of days I have been feasting.

There's a lot going on in my head. It's all tangled in there though. Wants and needs and abilities... realities...

Sometimes I think that I can survive, other times I don't think so. Sometimes I think that if I have to go through one more day of this hell I'm supposed to call a life, I'm checking out and taking the whole damn peanut gallery with me. Other times I can just romanticize the whole thing and think of myself as a hermit.

I'm not a hermit though. I'm a very social creature. Always have been. I've always had a lot of "friends" and ALWAYS had a girlfriend or was at least sleeping with this that or the other person. Now? It's me and my plant. On a scale of one to ten, one being solitary in a jail, my human contact level is at about 2, maybe 3 tops.

The only way out of here is "the projects". It scares me. I don't know that I have much choice though. I either move to the projects when my name comes up on the list, or I die here. Maybe I should say, continue dying here.

I wish that I could find some strength. Once upon a time I had a disgusting amount of confidence in myself. I suppose that falling flat into a pile of shit will make even the strongest of us a bit wary. Confidence; that's what I lost somewhere.

Freedom's just another word for "nothing left to lose".

I've got too much stuff.