I remember, when I was in the loonytute, how they wanted us (the kids on the unit) to keep a journal. I seem to remember it being one of those black and white composition books. I know that I did it, but I don't remember if I was allowed to keep it, or if they kept it when I was discharged. If they gave it to me, it's gone with the rest of stuff I purged in '88 before moving to KY.
At 17 or 18, you think that you're an adult. You get up one day and decide that you're going to put your past behind you. Don't get me wrong, it does work for a while, but within a few years not only do you smell the coffee but it's usually all over your face causing blisters.
Not a day goes by that I don't beat myself up about that purge... or wonder what would have happened had I not decided to run off to KY. I remember saying to Drue, "You got to go off to college, I want to go grow up too!" Drue, the "love of my life". I don't even know for sure that I'm over her today. 18 years. Talk about having your heart stolen. She didn't want me to go to KY. She wanted me to stay, so that we could continue the completely cruel (to me), closeted relationship we'd been having for 2 years or so. I did break down to the point of telling her that I'd just go for a little while, then come back. That wasn't enough though. When I did come back, she refused to speak to me, and continued refusing for a couple of years.
So, at 18 my whole life changed. From the day I returned from KY and she wouldn't take my call, I began beating myself up about all of it. Gone was my childhood. My diaries, letters, and creative writing were in a trash heap somewhere, rotting, and gone was Drue.
Although my letters were never answered, I did write to her every couple of years or so. '91 was the last time I tried calling her around her birthday. I haven't written her since she moved to Colorado though, maybe a couple of years ago. Millionaire's wife. Now there's an enviable job.
I think it was in '90 that I did see her, but that was a complete disaster. It was dinner and shooting pool with my friend Carlyn and her new girlfriend, my friend, Carol... and, of course, Drue's boyfriend. I think it was "David". I'm pretty sure that the point of the get together was so that Drue could meet - guess what! I'm out of the closet! - Carlyn's new girlfriend. I suppose Carlyn talked her into being ok with my being there.
I was hurting (putting it VERY lightly). Carol, I think, was trying to cheer me up by making fun of Drue at the table. I remember going into the restroom and punching the stall.
With the pool playing? Drue and I played one another last. Everyone else had played one another. It was really as close to her as I got the whole evening.
At 17 or 18, you think that you're an adult. You get up one day and decide that you're going to put your past behind you. Don't get me wrong, it does work for a while, but within a few years not only do you smell the coffee but it's usually all over your face causing blisters.
Not a day goes by that I don't beat myself up about that purge... or wonder what would have happened had I not decided to run off to KY. I remember saying to Drue, "You got to go off to college, I want to go grow up too!" Drue, the "love of my life". I don't even know for sure that I'm over her today. 18 years. Talk about having your heart stolen. She didn't want me to go to KY. She wanted me to stay, so that we could continue the completely cruel (to me), closeted relationship we'd been having for 2 years or so. I did break down to the point of telling her that I'd just go for a little while, then come back. That wasn't enough though. When I did come back, she refused to speak to me, and continued refusing for a couple of years.
So, at 18 my whole life changed. From the day I returned from KY and she wouldn't take my call, I began beating myself up about all of it. Gone was my childhood. My diaries, letters, and creative writing were in a trash heap somewhere, rotting, and gone was Drue.
Although my letters were never answered, I did write to her every couple of years or so. '91 was the last time I tried calling her around her birthday. I haven't written her since she moved to Colorado though, maybe a couple of years ago. Millionaire's wife. Now there's an enviable job.
I think it was in '90 that I did see her, but that was a complete disaster. It was dinner and shooting pool with my friend Carlyn and her new girlfriend, my friend, Carol... and, of course, Drue's boyfriend. I think it was "David". I'm pretty sure that the point of the get together was so that Drue could meet - guess what! I'm out of the closet! - Carlyn's new girlfriend. I suppose Carlyn talked her into being ok with my being there.
I was hurting (putting it VERY lightly). Carol, I think, was trying to cheer me up by making fun of Drue at the table. I remember going into the restroom and punching the stall.
With the pool playing? Drue and I played one another last. Everyone else had played one another. It was really as close to her as I got the whole evening.
I didn't let her win.
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