~Round and Round

The more "popular" your blog is, the less you can really write honestly. One by one, people will get their feelings hurt... they'll read into what you're saying and take it personal. Before you know it, you change your style of writing... and eventually, you write less and less. You get tired of apologizing to people... or having to explain everything you write... or having reassure people. Yes, eventually, you start considering a new site... and eventually you'll find one... and you'll write... and the same thing will happen there, eventually.

It's not just about popularity though, it's about having to spend your online life walking on eggshells, because everyone is so damn sensitive and insecure. There are only so many egos a person can nurse.

All this crap comes up again and again, in my life. I feel like I'm surrounded by leeches. (See, you're taking that personally, aren't you?)

Thing is, I'm not surrounded by leeches. I'm Cutter. I'm paranoid. I always see the worst in people, and if I can't see it, I find something to project onto them.

It's my own insecurity that's the problem. I see the worst in myself, often. I'll start to spiral... and if someone gets in there while I'm spiralling, they'll bring me all the way down, fast.

Sometimes I drink. Sometimes I have to... I have to hide... from myself... from the world... from the ugliness... from the paranoia...

The world is full of assholes. That's the problem. The minute you "lighten up" and start giving people credit, an asshole blows shit all over you, and you end up taking all that credit back.

Yes, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me. This is true. The problem is, sometimes they're not... and I usually err on the side of caution.

Soon, the hurricane will pass. Katrina. I had a girlfriend named Katrina. I loved her very much. I destroyed that relationship, just like most of the others... unintentionally. Often, I miss her. Miss... right... what is it I miss... the idealized relationship, or what could have been? It's over now. It ended for a reason. Must stay present. Must not spiral. Must stay out of the hurricane.