~Poly doesn't like crackers, today.

Was a rough night, last night. I actually got into bed about 8:30, but didn't get to sleep until about 2AM. Combination of allergies and MS crap.

I hate itching.
I hate pain.
I really hate what my brain does... or doesn't do... depending on your perspective.

I'm honestly wanting to scrap the whole lawsuit thing.

I'm tired. Money won't fix my brain. I don't have it in me to handle the whole thing. I don't want my whole damn life on trial. There are just certain places I don't want to go... things that I'd rather not talk about with lawyers. I don't need validation. I spent the last 36 years validating myself. I do just fine.

On the phone, yesterday, I was asked my "sexual preference". It was for the law firm I'd called. They were trying to keep some stats or something. He asked me if he could ask me a few questions. I gave him permission. It was ok that he asked. The problem was that it was pretty difficult to answer. I just suddenly felt like a deer in headlights. I can't answer questions like that. I don't fit into the black and white world. I can't imagine what I'd be like in court. There's no YES or NO answers. You can't try a case like that. There have to be definitive answers. My brain just doesn't do definitive. I live in a Crayola box, not on a mimeograph.

My answer, by the way, was "Poly?". What the fuck else do I say? "Mostly Gay"? What the fuck is "Gay" for me? "Homosexual" means attracted to the same. "Hetero" means different. So, basically, I'm always straight, unless I stumble across someone else who has the same parts and Gender identity, and happen to be attracted to them?

I said "Poly", but that's not exactly accurate either... my sexuality is transient. It depends on the day... it depends on the hour of the day. Everything seems to depend on the day, or the hour, or the minute, for me. It's all a matter of perspective... and I've got a fucked up organ for doing things like that. Yes, No, Maybe, Both, Either, I don't know!

All I know for sure, about myself, is that, right now, I really like sushi, beer, smoking... I like having my freedom. I like being able to like what I like, when I like it. I like being able to "change my mind".

I don't think that court allows for that though, and you know what? Often, neither does my brain.