Beating myself

I can't say that I don't know why I do it. If I step back from myself and become the therapist I've known the longest (myself), I can explain it. Doesn't matter though, just because you know why you do something doesn't mean that you can stop doing it, when it comes to emotional reactions and subconscious longings.

I typed my mother's name into a search engine this morning. I found out that she and my step-father are on the US Treasury page of "Notice of Names of Persons Appearing to be Owners of Abandoned and Unclaimed Property". I also found a book review that she submitted. The review was praising (certain Christian) books.


Don't worry. It's not all Christians that I hate... it's only my mother.


I'm a complete wreck right now. All I want is to drink myself to sleep. Between this and reading through the posts for the Library (re-dealing with dad-unit 1's shit)... what the fuck ever possessed me to invite him here. What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

Never mind, I know the answer to that question.


therapy isn't until Tuesday though