...how this whole mess started

When I was about 18, I purged. I thought I knew what I was doing. Within a year, I was ready to comb through landfills. From then on, it became about just in case.

So far, the only thing that's feeling like it might work is for me to focus on things like: "You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, including yourself" and "You carry memories in your brain, even if they go away for a while".

It depends on the day, or even the hour. First I'm ready to start purging, and then I go back to the point where I can't throw out a shopping list.