time past (II)

Sometimes I feel like crying, and then there are other times when I feel like screaming. There's a lot of anger there... but the thing is, the anger came later. The anger came from the hurt. A lot of it is that I'm still being hurt, too.

I often wish my parents would kill themselves. Thing is, part of me knows that when they're dead, I'll have issues for quite a while. No matter what logic tells you, and no matter what is healthy or good for you, you never stop hoping. Even when they're dead I'll go through the whole guilt thing... doesn't matter that I logically know that it's not my fault... that I didn't ask for what I got... that it was on them. Part of me always listens to my conditioning and helps them to continue, at least part of, the abuse. It's all my fault. It's my choice. I'm bad.

It never goes away emotionally, even if you can get your brain to the point of knowing better.

A part of you always wants your "mommy" or "daddy"... even though they were never there in the first place.

...just ranting, I guess