("Attitude Adjustment" - a LONG board rant)

Yes, I'm replying to CB, but A LOT of this applies to many others on the board. I hope that people will take the time to read through this post in its entirety.

ok... I'll try to cover everything here... but if I skip over something, just let me know.

Although I was in a "bad mood", what put me in that bad mood were the goings on, or lack thereof, here. Your posting clandestine insults all over the board just makes me pissed at you, CB. It won't solve anything. Banning you won't solve anything either. I know, you were pissed, and that's what you do when you're pissed... I just don't want you to stay pissed.

On that note, I was pissed. Foaming at the mouth and telling people to wake the hell up or leave is often what I do when I get pissed. My problem is that I should have singled people out, rather than seeming to address everyone. I did try to point out to whom I was speaking, if you read the original post, but apparently, and as usual, I didn't do a good enough job of it. Most of the people who responded to the post were people I had no problem with at all. On the good side though, it's nice to see people posting. ...however, I'm thinking... if people can manage to post as much as they have over the last 2 days because I finally blow up, is blowing up all that works? I have tried over the last few months, in ways which aren't "blowing up", and I watched the post count continue to drop. The only time it shot up was when I blew up at A. I think that it really sucks that I have to get to the point of wanting to close the board again before people put out the effort to post.

I don't think that you don't care, CB. My problem is that the only time you start posting as often as you can is when you get pissed at me, or when I blow up. So, despite that in my gut I know that you care, your actions say otherwise, and so I begin to doubt it.

People aren't posting enough. There are 37 members. Only about 15 of them are posting enough. On top of that, it's not just YOU, CB. You don't head the list of people I wish would post more. In fact, you're not even anywhere near the top. As well, it's not just about posting enough, it's about caring about the people on this board... NOT JUST ME. It's not a matter of time, number of posts, or how long you've managed to stay on the board without my deleting you for being inactive. It's about people's priorities, really. I'm not satisfied being someone's "just thought I'd drop in and say hi to all my good buddies" person. If someone is your pal, e-mail them. This is an online "community", not a place to drop in when you're bored or when you have a second to beg for some attention.

Out of the people listed as members, what ticks me off about those that caused me to post what I did varies. It varies from person to person. With some, it's not posting, with others, it's disrespecting others, and with yet others it's lying and "psy-vamping". When I finally "blow" my head is just not in the space to sit down and construct a long, calm, well thought out post addressing each individual member... and even if it were, judging by past experience, no one would read it anyway, except for the people I have no problem with in the first place, and they'd somehow manage to take it personally. (It's a natural reaction, it's not that I'm blaming them.)

In an older thread, I brought up opening up the board... listing it with (our host's) search feature BECAUSE PEOPLE WEREN'T POSTING. In my recent thread, I blew up and threatened to lock the board down BECAUSE PEOPLE WEREN'T POSTING. You can't see the link?

I didn't suggest closing the board off to my "friends". It's not my "friends" I'm having a problem with. It's people who are proving to me that my definition of "friend" and theirs are completely different... and that I need to stop referring to a few people as such.

Although the post hit everyone, in the last day or so I've managed to e-mail just about everyone the thread was not directed towards and apologize for my fuck up. (I don't know if the e-mail got to them, as (our host's) e-mail function often falls short.) Still though, the majority of people the thread WAS directed towards have yet to say "boo!". That's fine, I'll give it a week, and then I'll delete them. At least I tried (although in trying I inadvertently bled all over everyone).

I never claimed not to be a Vampire (depending on one's definition). I do, however, try to work on some of the nastier aspects of being such.

I want what you're capable of giving, CB. I know that everyone is unique in how they express themselves. I don't want a certain amount of time, posts, or words. I want what a person is entitled to get from people who claim to care... apparent caring. If you feel that you are giving me that, and that your board habits are just fine, then you didn't need to take the blow up/post so personally... or maybe I should say, so angrily. I didn't ask for 10 hours a day... I asked for maybe an hour a week, unless something comes up, and then just post to let us know something came up if you can. If you already give that, why think that the post was addressed to you? My problem with you is that I like you too much, maybe. I always want more more more. You find time, every now and again, to post A LOT. Case in point, the last couple of days... then, you drift away. No, I don't mean that I don't understand that when life happens you have to attend to it, but it seems that the only time you really put out an effort is if I'm pissed, or if you're pissed.

I care a lot about my friends' "issues", but it's not for me to start topics about them. The thing with issues is that you can't do that. If you hit a nerve on the wrong day, it can get damn messy. If someone has an issue, it's up to them to bring it up on their own time, when they feel ready or able to discuss it. Should we tiptoe around one another's issues? To an extent, yes. If I know that you have an issue with Christians being stereotyped, it'd be completely uncaring of me to start a topic bashing Christians, or to bash Christians in a thread about, let's say, Christmas. As "friends" we need to be aware of one another's feelings and issues, and we need to go out of our way to not set one another off. If I know that person X has a problem with his big feet, what kind of an asshole would I be if I posted a topic about people with big feet being ugly to me? If person Y is struggling with PID, what kind of an asshole would I be if I decided to start a topic on how not to contract STDs? I can't bring up other people's issues, and I have to be careful that my posts don't inadvertently poke at them. If I don't know enough about what sets them off, there's too much of a risk. I don't like setting people off.

I don't expect people to start topics on MPD, gender issues, or anything else. What I do expect is for people to read mine, and for people to attempt to respect me.

The person I was referring in my previous reply, using "Obesity" as an example, does not post on this board, so that's a bad example... but... let's use ADD, which someone here has. Now, let's ask your question again. How many topics on this board are/were about ADD? Is that my fault? Is it my fault for not starting topics about other people's issues, disorders, raw nerves, etc.? If the topics were posted, I'd reply to them. If they're not, I have to assume that the person is not in a place to discuss it. If I had ADD myself, that's another story. As a person with ADD, I'm more likely to know what NOT to say, and less likely to offend others with ADD, simply because I know better. ADD is MY issue, so I should start topics about it when I need/want to.

This board will ALWAYS be full of topics having to do with "Gender issues". It's my board. There's one. N., sk., and now Kr. are trans. That makes 4.

How many Christians here?

How many Christian topics on the board?

Wait.. I hear a whole chorus of voices now... "I'd never post about that, that always gets people upset..." no... wait... "FR always blows up over that!!!"

ok, here we have a case... issues colliding. So, what to do.... I know, how about not posting any topics about what you care about? That makes sense to me!

NOT.

How about posting about it, just being careful how the post comes across? Mystic did a REALLY great post about her faith once... then it was destroyed because an uncaring person came along bashing nerves like they were baseballs. (Thread crash!) I blew up, but I didn't blow up about the fact that Christian things were being discussed. I blew up because a thread was crashed and MANY people were upset by someone who was paying more attention to their own personal agenda than 1) the original topic, 2) the topic originator (Mystic) and 3) the issues of many others on the board.

You say that the topics are slanted towards a specific audience... that's where you're a bit confused. I don't think that sk., N., or Kr. need to understand what it's like to have your whole life revolve around what is or isn't between your legs. Problem is, they're the only ones who reply (with few exceptions)... so I'm left to think that my actual "target audience", the other 30 or so members of this board, hasn't read a word I've said. So, I'll keep posting until I get my point across.

Audience aside... yes, I will post topics that interest me. I wish more people would start more topics about things that interest THEM.

I don't need people to agree with me, but knowing that people do is always a plus... it makes me feel a little less crazy, and not so alone. In so far as many of my topics are concerned though, I'm just as, if not more, interested in reading posts from people who DON'T. I need to learn, and I want to teach. I've NEVER kicked someone off of this board for disagreeing with me. I'd much rather post until our fingers fall off from debating the issue. One, or both of us might actually learn something.

A recent example is LO2's postings in my "Boys Don't Cry" thread. Did I get pissed because he disagreed with me, or with n. or sk., etc.? Nope. What he said upset me, but that wasn't why I blew up. I blew up because he crashed my thread. He did that by doing what was done in Mystic's thread before... and again, people seem to think that it's his opinion I have problems with as opposed to his actions. I blew up because a thread was crashed and MANY people were upset by someone who was paying more attention to their own personal agenda than 1) the original topic, 2) the topic originator (Myself) and 3) the issues of many others on the board.

CB, the ones who are active members ARE enough for me. I'm not deleting them, and I'm doing everything I can to make them feel appreciated. I ask for input, I read all their posts, I reply to most of them, I give ALL of my available time and energy to being here for them. I just want to stop sending out the message to the people I care about that people like, let's say, "N2" are just as important to me and worthy of valuing as a member. I'm sorry, but if a person can't manage to get here more than once a season, I can't exactly call them a dedicated "friend"... and I can't exactly feel ok about giving them the same amount of time as I do people who bend over backwards to be here. I'm not here to provide a service to the millions of people on the web. I'm here to attempt to form/maintain an online, tight community with others who desire the same.

It's not that I don't think that the people I'm done listing as members on the board aren't worthy of living... it's not that I'm saying that they all have to have as much time as I do... I'm saying that I want this board to be a tight community, comprised of people who will go that extra mile for one another.

I'm fine with people posting at the rate they're comfortable with. I'm not fine with people who are comfortable posting only to suit their needs, and not everyone else's. If you're not able to post, if the computer dies, if you're going in for surgery, if you're going on vacation, if your job is running you down, SAY SO. That's all. It's been done! It's NOT impossible to reassure those who care about you, and if you don't want to reassure people you claim to care about, I have to doubt just how much you actually do care. "Sharing is caring". (<---- gotta love a cheesy saying every now and again)

I don't force people to do anything. I just express myself when I'm upset... or, I try to. I think that waving my own posted rule about lurking for over 3 months is WAY not "forcing" anything.

I'm not asking you to get wrapped up in things that might drive you nuts if you thought about them too much, CB. Do something fluffy once a week (try an e-mode test, that's why I post them!) if that's all you can manage. It may be fluffy, but at least it lets people know that you're around. Post a topic in the "No Reply" section letting people know where you're at. Caring about people means understanding that your silence negatively affects them, and so doing your best to not negatively affect them. Shit, I got SO bad at keeping up with my e-mail, I created a board! NO! I'm not saying that you should create a board, or that you have the time to. What I'm saying is that what you do that is visible to the people around you, who care about you, makes a big difference to them. If a person silent, it's human nature to think the worst... especially on this board where most of us are plagued by insecurity.

You state, "It takes an amazing combination of time, energy, and inclination to get me to post. It's like a lunar eclipse, aligning all the elements. Posting here takes me away from things I should be doing, other things I want to be doing, NEED to be doing."

That's my point. I want to be, and I want others on this board to be considered worthy of something you NEED to be doing. Posting. If that's asking too much, then I'm sorry. I try not to ask much, but that's what a board exists on... people posting. If posting is something that you can't do, or something you feel that you don't need to do, that's fine... I just can't see you as a member of this board. The point of this board is to be a place where people who do need one another are here for one another. If you don't post, then you're not here. No one knows you're here unless you do.

I prefer your screaming rants. Biting sarcasm hurts, and doesn't say anything which I can understand. Screaming rants, at least, let me know what the actual problem might be. That aside though, being that it's a part of who you are, I can't exactly ask you to stop doing it. I can, however, say "ouch" and attempt to have you tell me.

I'm glad you told me.

No, J. didn't say that on the board. I'm glad she posted about the problem as well though. That gives her one more brownie point in my book. That's one more than the majority of people who were once posting here who just up and left, before AND after December 1, 2001.

If you read back, I've been rather tactful. Problem is, people don't seem to respond to tact. I thought it was pretty tactful to post a rule. It was also pretty tactful to post a reminder about the rules. It was also really tactful to post another reminder about the rules. It was also really tactful to send out an e-mail attempting to discuss the "eggshells". It was also pretty tactful to post a topic asking what people thought I should do in order to increase posting. It was also pretty tactful to post, even a rant, rather than just closing the board down and kicking people off.

Tact. I've looked it up.

Yes, the outburst did get results. The post count has more than doubled over the last 2 days... and FINALLY people are talking. I don't know that there's a better way. I've tried just about every way I possibly can come up with. If I scream, I shouldn't scream. If I don't, people drift away. It's a bit of a quandary.

You say, "I don't like pissing people off. I don't like being a prick. That's where we differ."

All I can say is that if you honestly think that, you have NO clue who I am at all. Yes, if someone hurts me first, I'm not as rough on myself when my actions cause some hurt. Do I mind that I "hurt" I.? Yes, I do. I don't like hurting people, even when I feel that my actions are justified. I think that what I did with I. was actually a whole hell of a lot nicer than what I should have done, actually. It's one of my flaws though... I let things go and let them go and let them go, then I blow up about something seemingly small. It usually makes me look like a pretty awful person, and I really hate that, but again, it's a no win situation.

What I'm about to post is a perfect example of a catch-22. If I don't post it, no one understands what I'm talking about. If I do, because of the nature of "psy-vamping", I look like a completely horrible person. Although it's tough for people to understand "psy-vamping", the best I can say is... you just know. If I had about 5 hours to talk individually with each one of you, I could explain it better... but unfortunately I don't. What happens in this sort of a "psy-vamp" is that someone posts something seemingly innocuous to the casual reader, but in truth, to the one person it's directed at, it's completely insulting and makes them feel like complete shit... and as well, because of it seeming to be innocuous, that one person can't say jack shit about it without seeming like a complete lunatic.

Because I. can't respond, I had my reservations about posting this, but see... that's the thing... her response would just be another psy-vamp. At this point, I can't take any more of it. I'm sufficiently drained.

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If I constantly pointed out to I. what she was doing, I'd be in the wrong. I'd either be too "nitpicky", or told that I was imagining things, or whatever. I had to keep my mouth shut. That's what happens when you deal with someone who is psy-vamping you. If you say something, you look like a fool. If you don't, you get drained until you drop dead or fight back. I didn't ban her, she left (again). Maybe what I said hurt her to the point of her leaving... but yes, what she has been doing hurt ME to the point of being ready to kick her out. She didn't attempt to discuss what I'd said, she posted her usual defensive excuses, stroked her ego, and then rather than even remotely validating what I'd said, or even just saying "ouch", she turned it around and tried to make it about her. All the she wanted at that moment was for me to say, "Wow, I. You're just SOOOO important, what with being a member of SUCH an important council and all. I'm SO sorry... you're perfect, don't change a thing... PLEASE don't leave... I take it all back... WAAAAAAAhhhhhh."

No fucking way. I'm done. I'm not going into the details about I.'s psy-vamping, or the fact that no matter how many times she says how much she cares, with VERY few exceptions, she's yet to even border on acting like it to me. I'm too empathic. I don't see lines, I see their intent. It's not that I presume to judge everyone's motives, but when they're THAT blatant, I'm sure as hell going to react to them after a while. Say whatever you want to say, but don't expect me to react to anything but what you actually mean. If I have doubts, I'll ask.
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back to the rest of the post...

As for A., she'll probably never see my viewpoint, but I would have gladly argued it for another year if that's what it would have taken to get to a better place with her. A. was banned because she broke the rules countless times. The last straw was her insulting RBW. There's a very visible rule about "playing nice" meaning "playing nice".

You can tell A., that her last setup/catch-22 was done really well. Now, every time I have to ask someone to leave the board because of breaking the rules, it's going to reaffirm her completely fucked up, hurtful, and damaging statement that I'm a back stabber, and it will also play on people's insecurities about trusting people/me over and over again. One giant "thanks a lot" goes out to A. I'm sure that people feel really free to post because of that statement.


I'm glad you're frustrated by me. No, not REALLY... but... I think that means that my actions and words affect you... which means that you care.. That you took the time to post your frustration also helps me to know you care. Thank you.


CB, your problems are your problems. The fact that other people have problems don't make yours any easier to deal with. Telling us about your problems might.