(idealizing - cont'd further)

I think that what I'm seeing this as, is a conscious/subconscious thing. The conscious mind idealizes... it "remembers the good stuff" and pushes away the bad. It makes sense... you want to feel good, so why think about the bad?

In the meanwhile, the subconscious is taking care of business. The reason why you're idealizing is all the fault of the subconscious. The subconscious causes you to idealize in an attempt to get you back into that situation again... so that you can learn what you need to learn in order to strengthen you. Basically, you're manipulating yourself to do what's best for you in the long run.

The problem is that there are no "time machines". We'll spend forever attempting to recapture a moment, not understanding that we can't. Even if there were a time machine, you've changed... the situation will change because you have, and no matter what... it won't feel the same. The good stuff will be gone along with the bad.

I try to erase good memories. I try to revisit places and get back into situations consciously in order to force myself to deal with the reality as opposed to the ideal that I've created. I know that I'm idealizing... and have a theory as to why (see previous), but that makes it no less difficult to deal with when I'm stuck in the middle of an idealization.

There are other idealizations that have completely shaped years and years of my life... for example... Idealizing a relationship that I was in 17 years ago. Because I've created the idealization, no one I meet can compete. You can't compete with an ideal. The result is that I've been unable to "move on".

Simply knowing that you're idealizing does not make it possible to "drop it". Intense emotion overpowers logic every time.

It's annoying.