PhD paper

Just sent this off to someone doing a paper in Australia (per her request, of course). Just wanted to post it.

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I'm not certain if this is what you're looking for... but I'll do my best to explain this DID thing, in my own words, and how it's currently effecting me.
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The biggest issue... the greatest challenge to being dissociative is time. It's not so much knowing who you are, but when you are. A second ago feels like 15 years ago, and 15 years ago feels like a second ago. It's confusing... scary... and often very painful. It's not the hardest thing being 5 years old. It's much more difficult feeling that it's 1974 while the rest of the world is in the year 2003. The world can be pretty overwhelming... and the people you think should be there are long gone. It's like being stuck in a bad time travel movie, I guess.

After working on this DID thing for about 10 years, I'm getting to the point where "we" are learning not to close off to one another. That is to say, I try to always be aware of the fact that there are others... that I will dissociate... that what I perceive to be "reality" will shift.

I make a conscious effort to say "I", even when I'm thinking "we". It's out of respect for others around me (I don't want to confuse them), and it is to let people know that I'm not going to hurt them and then shirk the responsibility. Am I any less part of a "system" of "I"s? I don't think so... but it depends on when you ask "me". The DID way: We're not all at the same level of awareness, in so far as the system is concerned. The non-DID way: I'm often doubtful. Sometimes I think that I'm part of a system of people, sometimes I think that I'm just prone to delusion.

When things get rough, I try to see it as a "spiritual" condition. There are many spirits and one body. We have to share everything... including the brain. I have to do what's best for myself. I have to do what I can to stay alive, keep the body healthy, and be as strong as I can be so that life is a little less difficult for the other spirits. The way I see it, if we all do that, then things go a little smoother for everyone. "We" try to work as a sort of "democracy" (at least, those of us who are aware of others in the system do)... and see one another as friends or family. Sometimes we don't get along, but at the root of it is a common goal and ties that bind.

Is it working? I don't know. I'm still unable to hold down a job. I still "lose time". I still have things which make life hell, like paranoia, flashbacks, "hyper-vigilance" to sound, sleep disorders, and paralyzing panic attacks... but... I'm still alive and not locked up against my will. It's job #1 and 2... Don't kill yourself. Don't kill anyone else. Everything else comes after that. Not the most enjoyable way to live, but it's the only way I can live. It's my full time job... and it's not easy. I think that most people take things like getting out of bed in the morning for granted. They don't realize that for some people, it actually takes more energy and focus to do that than it does for the average person to work an 8 hour day.

I don't know that I'll ever be "functional" like other people seem to be. What I'm trying to do, for now, is to take baby steps. Work on myself... try and do things that will allow me to be (or at least feel) useful to others. Some days are good, other days are not.

"I" live moment to moment.
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going to send this now. I've been at this for over an hour, (to say nothing of the 4 or 5 days from when I originally received it)... prime example of how DID makes my life hell.

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