another day...

Listening to The Butthole Surfers... Electric Larryland. Pretty good shtuff.

Pretty bummed out this morning. The usual. I get up in an ok mood, then go to the board, and within minutes, feel like crap. It's the whole "people don't care" thing, I suppose. Someone shows up, "help me! help me!". With pleasure! They're nowhere to be found, of course, when anyone else needs anything. People suck, this I know, but it still smarts.

I wanted this (private) section to be different. I wanted this section to be about all posts being replied to by everyone... about having one section open to people where you don't feel like you're talking to yourself... one section where it feels like people actually do care. I'm still hoping for that. I wanted the whole board to be like that, but I had to give up on that delusion a LONG time ago. People don't care... not in the way I need them to. It'll always feel that way, no matter what. One of the byproducts of having parents who don't care... you look everywhere for caring, not realizing that if you only got it from your folks, you wouldn't need it. If your parents really love you, you can take on the world. If they don't, you spend your life sucking people dry looking for that love... and once you've sucked everyone dry, there's nothing left... and you starve.

My battery has a leak.

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this online board thing. I've done it for 4 and a half years. It all ties into my life, I suppose. If I could get out of the damn house, it wouldn't be such a need. If I had a family, it wouldn't be such a need. If I could work, it wouldn't be such a need. That's not the case though... and so, I NEED this stupid board.

If I wanted to talk to myself, I could start one of those online journals... or just write in a notebook, like I used to before this whole Internet thing.

I wonder, did I need this Internet thing, or did I develop a dependency for it after I clicked "connect" for the first time?

I went online after leaving town. While I was in town, I was anti-internet. The result? I'm becoming even more anti-internet. The only thing this thing is any good for is information access. In 4 years, I've met only a few people I consider to be worth the aggravation of this medium.

Dragon Con 2004. As much as I know I'll enjoy it, it has to be my last (unless I hit the lottery). How many of those people in the South have come up North? I've taken at least half a dozen trips down there. Then there are the people who have talked about it for YEARS... and they can't manage? YEARS and you can't save up the money and clear your schedule? Well, that just SCREAMS "I care!", doesn't it? I can just visit A2 for about 1/10th the price. True, we won't have the excitement of the Con, but so fucking what? We can dress her mom up like Godzilla and get her to do Riverdance!

I need to go back home. I need to drop this Internet thing. I need to live, or die trying.