Setting Goals

For me, it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. My head isn't consistent enough. It's not an issue of determination or skill, or even desire. I can get from point A to point B... it's just staying there that's the problem.

My current goal is to save up for Dragon Con, and get in better shape. So far, it's going ok. Some days are rough, some days the fire is so hot under my butt that I contemplate stuffing my underwear with oven mitts.

The main goal... my lifetime goal and focus is to not kill myself and not kill anyone else. That always has to be my first priority. It probably sounds simple enough to the average person... but... it's not, not for me. Many days, my life has to be lived moment to moment. Setting any sort of long-term goal is more of a crap shoot. No matter what the long-term goal, it becomes impossible on almost a daily basis. I eventually get there, judging from the past, but it's a bumpy ride and once there, it has a shelf life.

I'm doing my best to get to Dragon Con. I'm doing my best to get myself in better physical shape. I do my best every day. I'll get there.

but... then what?

What next?

What happens after Dragon Con?

There's no way I want to do this again. It's not that I don't want to go to Dragon Con again, it's that I don't want to go through hell to get there. I had help this year. Amtrak sent vouchers because last year's trip was so hellish. Even with that help, though, it's insane. Financially, it's insane, and even sort of stupid. Trying to get into good physical shape isn't easy when you can't afford food!

That aside, I can't continue to live like this. Some people think they're isolated. My human contact consists of seeing my therapist once a week and my bro sometimes once a week, sometimes once every other week. I also see the people at the convenience store when I stop there after my session, the people at the food store when my bro takes me, and occasionally a neighbor when I pop my head out the door to scream at them or take my trash out. THAT'S IT.

I've always been "social"... always had people around me. Hardcore... Punk Rock... Party Party Party... Barfly... Drink Drink Drink...

As much as I hate them, I need people. I'm starving.

I have to get out of here... this fucked up bumfucked suburb.

I have city in my blood. It's my damn territory. I don't belong here. These past few years have been HELL.

Life or death... do you want to kill yourself living or live dying?


It's going to be a long winter.