baring the soul here

Over the past few years, I've realized that (in me) there's a very heavy line between the sexual and romantic (emotional) aspects of my relationships. Sexually speaking, it's near impossible to label myself. My sexual "preference" can change minute to minute. My romantic (emotional, social, etc.) preference is more static, but not entirely so.

Lately I've been watching my romantic preference being influenced by my sexual preference. That is to say, I'm starting to make a conscious effort to force myself away from people I'm attracted to based on my subconscious desire to "act out" or resolve childhood issues.

On the one hand, it makes sense to do, on the other, I feel that I might be over intellectualizing something that I shouldn't be.

Getting past the point of using sex as a means to manipulate/humiliate/control women (read: pump my own ego up) leaves me in a bit of a confused state. See, once I take all that out of the picture, I'm not attracted to women very much at all. Emotionally, I can be friends with them (some, anyway). Aesthetically, I can tell my difference between "hot" or "not". ...but sexually? There are very few women I'm attracted to, and the closer I get to them, the less I'm sexually attracted to them. Even the women I think that I could be friends with, and even occasionally have sex with... the thought of committing to them? I don't know. It just doesn't sit right.

I've done a lot of "soul searching" over the past few years. The thought of identifying as a homosexual scares me. It used to scare me a whole hell of a lot more, but...

Am I just guilty of misogyny? Why is it that I cannot feel that I'm able to be "equal" or "partners" with a woman when it comes to "serious" relationships? I don't want to get into all the explicit details, but... the more I know a woman, the less I can make love to her. My "turn ons" with women are, in all honesty, violent or degrading towards them. I can make love to a woman to get her to fall in love with me, but once that's accomplished, I'm over it. She becomes revolting to me (sexually speaking). I've done the S/M - B/D thing for quite a long time. Seems to work fine, as long as I don't want to take it beyond something sexual. It's a kink... something I get off on... not something I desire in a mutual love-relationship (beyond occasional play with either partner being able to be at either end of the whip, so to speak).

I guess I'm just bothered by the fact that it seems I'm not capable of "partnering" with a woman. I mean, I could, as long as it was not sexual and committed... but that's not really a partnership, is it?