Re: Sexuality

With "aesthetic appreciation", I meant that when I look at women, I have an opinion as to whether or not they're beautiful on a physical level. I don't know that I can determine whether or not they're sexually attractive, because in a way, any woman that is some sort of a challenge is sexually attractive to me. My desire (to be explicit) to make a woman orgasm is to have "power over". If I find a woman "hot", it's because there's something there I desire to master or possess. There's never that "I want to crawl into your skin" attraction that I want to be able to feel. Like you (Sv.), I can see anything as sexual, if I try (and really, I don't have to try too hard)... but that "oneness" isn't there. She could be a dog, I'd be just as content sexually. I just cannot seem to attach heart(?)wise. I've fallen in love a couple of times in the past, with women. That said though, the minute the hearts were going, my sexual desire left. The "love of my life" was a woman I could never have... not even from day one. To me, I attach sex and women with a "conquest" thread. I also see sex with women as something I have to both try at, and as something that I'm doing to them, as opposed to with them. I just don't think that's how it's supposed to feel.

I can connect hearts with a woman I'm having sex with, as long as the connection doesn't last past that night's orgasm.

ok, with women, when I'm done, I want to roll away. The one time I slept with a guy I actually had real feelings for (above and beyond sexual), all I wanted to do was continue to touch him.... even idly... it wasn't a conscious thought, my hands just wanted to. In the morning, I didn't want him to disappear. (I didn't want to disappear.) Given, it wasn't an ideal pairing, but even with that, there was something there that was, well... equal... ok... safe.

I digress.

I guess that what all this is about is... 1) I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I might be Gay and 2) I'm feeling disgusted by that fact that the only way I can relate to women sexually (unless shit faced) is by (at least subconsciously) seeing it as some sort of power thing. I don't like to think that I'm doing the misogyny thing (that's the "why"), but it makes me think that I might be.

The thought of having to commit to another guy is fine with me. The thought of having to commit to a woman? I just can't get there. Maybe once I could, back in high school when my heart belonged to someone I could never have (safe is good), but since then? I've failed miserably. Do I "want it all"? Sure. "All", however, doesn't necessarily mean sexual monogamy, although it does include attraction.

I don't know that there is a such thing as "mostly Gay", but I know that the thought of partnering with a woman could never include monogamy. With a guy? It's possible. It'd be a sacrifice, but it'd be one I'd easier make with a guy than with a woman.


I don't feel safe enough here to get into what exactly scares me about my sexual dealings with women, but... am I a misogynist sexually? Probably. Socially? No. Actually, I'm a feminist. It's the sexual arena that's the problem. I can "play" with friends (getting off, after all, is getting off), have sex with strangers, use them, but partner with them? As close as I could get is a "best friend" or roomate I could have sex with. If I tried to commit, I'd feel like I was missing something. I'd feel like at any moment I'd be out the door to settle with the right guy.

I guess it comes down to.... I can have sex with a woman, but I can actually sleep with a guy.

Like I said... I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I might be Gay.