not a flaming heterosexual

It may well be that I'm just a flaming homosexual. When my being with a woman would have been seen, in the eyes of the people around me as homo, I was ok with that. The fact that to the eyes of just about everyone else it appeared to be a hetero relationship (although it seemed like the person I was with was "robbing the cradle") protected me from a lot. In that, I was "out" where it was safe to be out.

Although I find the whole binary thing offensive and wrong, it doesn't change the fact that in our society, it exists. If I'm seen holding hands with a woman, I'll be seen as hetero. If I'm holding hands with a guy, I'll be seen as homo. Depending on what I choose to do, it will attach a label to me.

What scares me about being Gay, or being seen as Gay, is the same stuff that most men fear. My skull doesn't like baseball bats. In the past, the only fear I had was when dealing with people who might get a close up of my genitals. I was "queer", but did not have to deal with being seen as such by the majority.

Being with women was safe for me... as I'm sure that it was for you (N.), because of my appearance. I was "the boy in the lesbian bar", or girls' school, or girls' locker room, etc. because the "F" on my ID gave me access. It was rather convenient, and I chuckled because of what I was able to get away with.

In the end though, I'm not so brave and strong. Although I've been "out" and a member of the Gay community for 20 years or so, in the past it was a "safe" out. When questioned I could show my papers to the Gay police and point to my girlfriend. When walking in the parade, I looked like a "straight not narrow" person.

It was an odd game.

So, here I am looking at my actual sexuality from the inside out and realizing that not only have my desires changed, but my reality has as well. It might be socially safer to be with women, but I'm not one.... and so being with one does not make me "queer". I don't have the papers to point at anymore, nor have I for the last decade. (This really pissed off a lot of people in my life. They could deal with me if they could see me as a lesbian they were safe around (no guilt by association), but without the "F" I don't get access to their girls' club anymore.)

If I follow my head and my heart and my attractions instead of interacting with people in order to work out some twisted abuse crap from my past? I think it makes me "mostly gay"... and that scares the piss out of me. If I choose to identify as such, there's a whole new contingent of people to fear.

It's all about the "straight men" isn't it? Funny how that works. No matter where I've been at, it's always the straight men that pose the threat. Such power there. It's not too surprising that I've felt safe being identified as one for the last 20 years.

All that said... I think it might just be that I have some sort of a need to be seen/identified as Gay.... where it matters. Out of the closet in the community, right back in on the street.

I guess that what it comes down to is that although I came out as "Queer" decades ago, I don't know what it's like to come out as "Gay".