September 20, 2005

Here I go again... I WANT TO GO HOME!

I can't seem to get past this. I want to be back in Philly, where I belong! I don't know how to get there... aside from hitting the damn lottery.

I don't know how to function here. I didn't know how to function in Fairless Hills either. So, what happens, I keep trying to survive here? getting sicker and sicker? until I snap and off myself?

Right... I should come up with a plan. I don't know how. It takes so much energy, just getting through day to day... how am I supposed to "plan" for anything? How am I supposed to save money, when I barely have enough to keep me going?

Home is where the heart is.... I don't think that I have a heart anymore. I don't think that I love anyone or anything. I don't even know if I love myself... I think that I'm just stuck with myself.

Have I just idealized Philly? Is it really Philly that I miss? I thought that I was "going home" when I was heading for Montana... when I was heading for KR, or Sara, or whatever I called her. Delusion.

I remember, one day, I walked to Rittenhouse Square and sat and fed the squirrels pieces of apple I'd saved for them. I lived on Locust Street, at the time. I miss Locust Street... I miss Rittenhouse Square... I miss... whatever the fuck that was that I felt then. Home. I think that I call it "home".

I want to go home.