1254pm102005 ~comments

(In "Depression. The other white meat.")

is it at all possible to let go, without pushing away? to detach, without needing to sever the emotional equivalent of a leg in a trap?

if not, it would suggest to me that, however much it hurts - and it's evident that it's quite a hell of a lot, certainly more than i can grasp - there's that in you which needs to stay connected... else the effort to disconnect would be less violent.

it sounds like you struggle against yourself... a lot. which seems terrible, and i have no advice. though i understand the "i don't want to hope" strategy. i think it even makes its own kind of sense.

but maybe there's a place between endless, broken hopes, and utter, shielding despair. maybe?

not that i would presume to assert it. it's a place i doubt i'll ever reach... i fully expect to die with the word "regret" etched in my mind.


(my reply)
"there's that in you which needs to stay connected... else the effort to disconnect would be less violent"

...and it drives people bonkers. One day I'm in love, the next day I despise the same person, and the day after that, I'm begging for forgiveness. Usually, people just leave... not that I blame them. If you care about someone, and they keep spitting fire at you, at some point, you have to walk. I often spit fire... most times, I don't even know I'm doing it... it's just this messed up form of "shielding", I suppose. Not that I don't warn people, and apologize in advance about it, but until it's happening... people don't really understand how painful it is to be close to me, until they're running away.

I think I'm ranting. I don't know what I'm talking about really.

I'm just glad that you're reading my blog.

thank you