~and in the end

I'm nervous about tomorrow. More than anything else, I'm worried that they won't let me go home. I'm not doing well at all, and I don't know if I can fake it well enough. I guess that I could always leave "A.M.A.", but I hate doing things like that. I don't know... I mean, if I'm that bad... 'about to die' bad... I just want to go home. I don't want to die in the hospital.

I'm sorry that I'm so morbid. This is really the only place I can talk about it though. Writing in my journal just isn't cutting the mustard with this. No one will read that until I'm long gone... and I guess it makes me feel a little better right now, to know that someone is listening to me, as morbid as I might sound. It's easier online. No tears or sad faces to see. I don't deal well with tears... I always feel invalidated somehow. Tears and laughter... they can both be brutal.

I'm trying to "put my affairs in order". It's a bit much to deal with. My brain keeps blanking out on me. I can't think about things like legalities right now... I shouldn't have to think about things like that at all, let alone at the age of 36. I think that it must be easier to just die, rather than know about it first... easier on everyone involved.

Think I have to get into bed now. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.