~decisions

I feel like I'm supposed to make some sort of decisions about all that is going on in my life right now. I don't feel like I can though... and that's not a good thing. When you don't make decisions, often, they're made for you.

A lot of what I have to think about is disease related. The more I read, the more I'm starting to understand that the doctors really have no clue. The medications they prescribe are generally a shot in the dark. Sometimes they seem to stop new lesions from forming, sometimes they don't. The way I see it, without these medications, sometimes new lesions form, sometimes they don't. So... what that amounts to, in my thinking, is that the medications don't really do shit. Too, time after time, I read about people having symptoms from their MS that my idiot docs have told me probably don't have to do with my MS. It seems that they go by the "rule everything else out first, and then if no one knows differently, we'll admit that it's MS related" theory. What really ticks me off is that with the symptoms I'm reporting to them, I've spent decades ruling everything else out... and I don't want to have to rule everything else out again. Believe me, once you've had a cystoscopy, and they tell you that nothing is wrong, you don't want to have another one to tell another doctor that it's the MS that's shutting your urinary tract down. In fact, you don't even want to risk it, so every time they ask you if you're having problems urinating, you smile and just say "no". The same thing goes for having had barium x-rays for your stomach complaints, and being given thorazine for your racing thoughts, and being told that you have MPD because you get lost walking in a straight line. You just get tired of it.

The way I see it, I know myself better than they do. I'm the one who has dealt with this since 1983. I'm the one who knows the difference between an ailment that comes from MS and one that comes from something else. Just because they told me to call it MPD or PTSD doesn't mean I don't know when there's something wrong.

Sometimes, I look at this whole thing and say, "You know what? I did this for years without doctors or drugs. Why in hell am I doing this now?". Eventually, I'll just get to the point where I'll stop working with the Neuroidiots. If something happens, I'll go to the ER, or just call it a day. I'll just call myself DNR/DNP/CCO - "Do not resuscitate. Do not prolong. Comfort care only."

All that said, ~Blog would like to thank me for visiting ~Blog.com, and ask me to please be patient while they attempt to fix some issues....

Good fucking grief.