~Depression. The other white meat.

I'm starting to worry a little.

I'm supposed to go have this solu-medrol treatment done, next week. I begged my way into getting them to let me do it "outpatient"... and my best friend agreed to take me. (I'm VERY lucky there.) I'm worried, though. Last time, I got worse after the first day or so. I was in the hospital, so it wasn't difficult to get a wheelchair and roll around with it. This time? It scares me. If my current symptoms get worse, I'm SO fucked. It's not just the wheelchair thing... it's my eyes. If my eyes get worse than they've been... I'll be blind, and I don't know if I can handle that at all.

Part of me wants to say "no" to the treatment, the other part just really wants to get better, and hopes that maybe this time it'll work the way it's supposed to. I'm NOT doing chemo. No way. I just don't think that I could deal with it. If I'm dying, I'm dying. I don't want to torture myself before I go.

There was something in that movie, the other night... "Dying Young", that struck a chord. I don't remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of "I don't want to hope". That's sort of how I feel right now. I don't want to find anything in life worth living for... it'd break my heart knowing I had to leave it. I want to continue looking on the negative side... I want to continue being bitter and pessimistic. I want to get to the place, and stay at the place where I can go, without tears.

When we think we're going to die, we push people away. Who knew? You can ask my friends... I've been doing it for years... pushing them away so that I can kill myself. When it came down to it though, I couldn't do it. Damn wuss.

I don't want to hope anymore. It hurts too much.