January 12, 2006

7:49 AM - 1/12/06
~wrong side of the wall

I'm up, and in a really bad fucking mood.

I don't know what dickhead needed to throw into the wall, and I don't care. I just know that I'd like to beat the fuck out of him with it.

---

5:22 PM - 1/12/06
~think first

It occurs to me that most people who read my blog have no clue what my life is really like, despite how much I write. Time and time again, I'm reminded of that when I read some of the comments.

The truth is that most of my time is spent in bed. Not because I'm lazy, but because I'm sick. I get up as often as I can, to do as much as I can... and I do mean CAN, not "want".
When I can, I spend time here, at my little table, online. Usually, I don't last very long. Sitting in one position for too long is not something I can do. I do manage to get online every day though.

When I can, I talk on the phone. I manage that every day too, even if it's for just a few minutes.

When I can, I take my trash out and get my mail from the mailbox. I can usually manage that once every few days.

When I can, I get a shower. I can usually manage that once every few days.

When I can, I cook food. I can usually manage that once a week or so. Other times, I eat things that can be thrown into the microwave, or prepared in less than 5 minutes.

When I can, I do a load of laundry. It's usually possible once a month or so.

When I can, I cut my hair. I can usually manage that once every couple of months.

I manage to pay my bills on time. I manage to go to the food store, with help from RavensWings. That happens about once a week, and takes a lot out of me.

That's about it. Again, the majority of my time is spent in bed. I can watch tv, or listen to it, depending on how well my eyes and ears are doing. If I can read, I'm attempting to figure out one form or another. I sleep when I can.

If I have a "good" day, I take advantage of it. They're few and far between, but when they happen, the last thing I want to be doing is sitting here on my ass in front of the computer, or laying in bed staring at the television.

That in mind, yes, my writing is a bit reflective of my anger, rage, frustration, and pain. If I wasn't really suffering, I'd be out doing something... anything other than sitting here growing my gut and bitching about everything.

It's not that I'm sick because I'm not active. I'm not active because I'm sick.

PLEASE keep that in mind. When you comment on my blog and in any way insinuate that something I'm doing is causing the problems I'm bitching about, what you're doing is 1) calling me "stupid", and 2) BLAMING ME. That REALLY pisses me off. Just call it one of my many psych issues, if you want. I'm fine with that.

ok... rant over.