January 23, 2006

8:45 AM - 1/23/06
~Ice Cream Headache

Woke up itchy. I thought that it was probably going to rain. I get itchy when it's going to rain. I was wrong. It's snowing! WooHoo!!!

I slept the usual drugged amount. Probably about 5 hours. I know that I need more sleep, but I want to wait to try until my neighbors are done doing whatever they're doing. Stompy woke me up with a loud bang at about 5AM. Now, it's Squeaky and the Snow Plows giving me a concert.

I took one of those online test thingees earlier, and was informed that I am Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. I think that's it... that's the problem... it's not MS! I'm allergic to chocolate and I have chocolate chips in me!!!!

ok... now... how do you remove chocolate chips from your personal cookie dough without accidentally removing something vital, like your Pituitary Gland?

There has to be some research somewhere... and... anyway... how did I get chocolate chips in me in the first place? Maybe it's global warming or something... no! wait! I know!!! It must be the smoking!!!! Smoking did it!!!! The tobacco companies are in league with Nestle!!!! All along, I've been smoking chocolate chips!!!!

Wow! I'm glad that I figured that one out!

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4:15 PM - 1/23/06
~Refusing Fantasy

There's a lot on my mind, but I don't know how much of it is anywhere near rational thought. I'm not too sure how much it matters though. Rational doesn't always mean right.

I like the delusional place sometimes. It's reality that upsets me. Some people have fantasies, I have delusion. It's even better than fantasy. With fantasy, you know it's not real. With delusion, you don't even have to stop to think about it. It's real. It's everyone else who's crazy.

I think that's why I forgive so easily. Forgiving people allows me to pretend that people actually care... that people are good and real and awake.

There are very few people I cannot forgive. If they're actively being cruel, it's not that I can't forgive. They haven't stopped doing whatever it is that they're doing long enough for me to heal. You can't forgive someone for something if they're still doing it. I don't know... maybe you can, but I don't find it to be all that easy to forget, even if I can forgive.

Mostly, I find it difficult to forgive people whose actions destroyed me or my life beyond repair. I can't use people like that in my delusions... I can't pretend that they did no wrong. As I said, there are very few people I cannot forgive.

I wonder why it is that it feels people cannot forgive me.

I suppose that could be "insecurity"... or maybe just paranoia... oversensitivity?

Whatever it is... I don't like it. It messes up my delusions.

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10:39 PM - 1/23/06
~delusion

@10:30pm

I'm not feeling well. I want to grab onto a delusion and cling to it... I want to play "pretend"... I want to go back to... to... I don't know. I want to go back to when I was healthy. ...but I was never healthy. I want to go back to when I could fake it better. I want to go back to when I thought that one day, there'd be a happily ever after. I want to go back to when I thought it actually WAS "happily ever after".

My headache is getting in the way. The fact that I'm losing the sight in my right eye (again) is getting in the way. Everything is all messed up. I can't grab hold of a delusion... I can't get to the point where I can hold onto fantasy... I can't even fake being "pretty ok".

When I was a little Cutter, I wanted to be a doctor. My mother always drooled over doctors. She had a thing for men in authoritative positions. Maybe she felt it gave her worth.

When I got this diagnosis, it was one of the first things I (almost) cried over. I'd never be a doctor. There's no such thing as a blind doctor.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? I don't know. Maybe. I feel angry. I feel the urge to push people away... to say, "FUCK YOU" to people, especially those who are close to me. One big "LEAVE ME ALONE!" is all I feel. I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it's because I think that no one gets it. Maybe it's so that I can feel less guilty about dying.

I keep wanting to call my ex. I loved her. I really did. I don't know why I want to call her. She was cruel to me. Very cruel. ...but I want to call her. I WANT MY DELUSION BACK!!!!!