January 22, 2006

2:04 AM - 1/22/06
~a little off

ok... pay no attention to the guy behind that curtain... nothing to see here...

(hopefully the blog layout and link craziness will magically fix itself)

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11:48 AM - 1/22/06
~dreamy

I think that it was around 4AM when I finally fell asleep. I think that I got about 6 hours total, but it was pretty broken up. I'm still tired. I'm always tired. Sometimes I think that's why I get sucked into being angry about things. At least, when I'm angry, I'm not as tired.

My dreams were really weird. Something about my old doctor and my MRIs. I'm always wary of dreams having to do with my being sick. Before the MS diagnosis, they just freaked me out a little. After the diagnosis, all the past dreams made too much sense. Now, I fear that these types of dreams are warnings of some sort.

I wish that my life didn't revolve around being sick.

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2:21 PM - 1/22/06
~In the beginning

When I was born (breech, by the way), I couldn't tolerate my formula. I don't know all the details, but it obviously had a lot to do with the word "projectile". After that, my mother was informed that I was "allergic to milk". More projectiles, I suppose. I vaguely remember having goats' milk, instead of cows' milk in my cereal when I was a toddler.

I was sick from day one. From the milk allergy (and I think that it actually was some sort of allergy, NOT Lactose intolerance), it was one allergy after the next. Not fun for kid Cutter was the one to Chocolate. Then it was the "excema" that nothing could control. Then the nose bleeds. One thing after the next. I was always sick.

I learned to deal. I suppose that I learned to dissociate, too. I watched everything around me, took notes on what I seemed to be reacting to, especially everything I ate or drank. I finally settled on "I have a compromised Immune System" as an explanation, a few years back. I was tired of rattling off my allergies to people, and explaining why about everything I couldn't tolerate. Frankly, I was sick and tired of saying the phrase, "I'm allergic to it.".

I can't help but wonder if it's connected somehow... the whole MS thing... if it's something we're born with, or something we catch... all I know is that looking at my life, the fact that I'm actually allergic to myself... doesn't surprise me at all... and it started from day one. Screw the first "flare" in '83... I think that the first time I Reganed my food across the room is when all of it started.

The more I read, and the more I think about this whole thing, the more I'm starting to firmly believe that I was, in fact, born with MS.

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11:52 PM - 1/22/06
~pill boy

So, I'm supposed to take this pill... Metoclopram... if I get nauseous.

I'm nauseous.

I took it.

woohoo.

Did I mention that I HATE pills?

...but... I hate being nauseous even more... so...

whatever. I hope it works well enough to get me some sleep.