January 9, 2006

8:34 AM - 1/9/06
~something in the air

What an odd 24 hours. I feel something along the lines of a hangover. It was just a very full day. People. The more people I involve in my life, the more stressed I feel. It's that whole "obligation" thing. One friend of mine is currently going through something similar... feeling pulled by everyone and everything. Sometimes it does get too much, and the desire is to run from it all. You never can though, the problem isn't what's around you, it is you.

What sometimes helps is just letting yourself be an asshole... stop trying to make everyone happy... stop trying to pre-meditate rejection. Do what makes you happy, the rest of the world will eventually get over it. I don't mean walk all over people, but just stop trying to carry them... even let them carry you for a while.

Stop trying to find happiness. Sit down, put your feet up, and let happiness find you.

My heart is in many places this morning.

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5:52 PM - 1/9/06
~ho hum

Coughy and Murmur moved out yesterday. The worker dudes went in bright and early this morning. Yes, they're rather loud. From what I heard from Coughy (through the wall, of course) while they were moving out, the new tenant should be moving in on the 15th. I'm crossing my fingers. A quiet smoker would be ideal.

It was odd. I felt something akin to loneliness for a moment, before going to sleep the night before last. It was just so quiet. I'm used to hearing him... "feeling" him on the other side of the wall. It's like going from sleeping with another person, to sleeping alone. It was only odd for a moment though. After that, I stretched, squeaked, and smiled. My "bed" squeaks when I move. (Actually, it's a twin bed frame, kid's matress, and and "bunky board". Actual beds are way too expensive.) Not having to worry about waking anyone up felt good. Coughy's bed squeaked a lot too.... and I swear that he had bouts restless leg syndrome. (Just let me think that. I really don't want to think about what else he might have been doing.)

I have a lot that I really want to be able to do. I couldn't even manage a shower today though. I went to the food store and out to lunch, with RavensWings. As usual, it was good to see her. As usual, the food store experience was a bit much. I really think that it is just some sort of sensory overload. My hand froze up again, and my legs buckled a couple of times. (Nessie to the rescue!) My ears are still ringing. When I sleep is the only time they're not ringing, I guess. They don't ring in my dreams, from what I can recall.

Maybe tomorrow I can manage to do something. Even one thing might be nice. Cut my hair. Shower. Fill out those forms. Vacuum. Laundry. Cook something? It's shot day, so I have to manage that. They haven't gone too well lately. Seems the needle just doesn't want to go in. Not fun.

I want a drink. I wish I didn't. I'm losing more and more muscle and gaining fat. Beer doesn't help with that at all.

No, I have no idea why I even care. Certain programming runs deep, I suppose.