January 29, 2006

11:03 AM - 1/29/06
~the waiting game

@11AM 1/29/06

Hopefully it'll only be another day, or so, before I know what's going on. I suppose that if Neurodude just wants to skip the MRI and proceed directly to the IV, I'll have to agree to it. Anyway, I was due for an MRI in March, so I suppose that I could use that one to see if the Solu-Medrol does any good.

"They" often say that taking things one day at a time is a good thing to do. Sometimes I agree. Sometimes I think that it's stupid to do things that way. There's something to be said for making plans and figuring things out while you can. I suppose that, right now, I'm just doing my best. I'm not too sure what I'm hanging onto. Maybe a delusion. ...the "what if" factor. I suppose that once the reality crushes the delusion entirely, I'll give up. That's the thing about delusions though... they're in your head. You could be laying there, stinking, unable to walk, half blind, and feeling like you're being whacked with lead pipes, but somewhere in the back of your mind you think, "Well, what if it suddenly gets better?", and you keep breathing.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not dead, not because I'm strong. I'm not dead because I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. Killing myself would be taking a risk. The way I see it, there's only a 25% chance that whatever comes after life will be better than life itself. After life could be better, worse, the same, or nothing at all, and that means there's a 50% chance that it'll suck. I just don't like those odds. ...and at least I KNOW this sucks, and although that makes it a 100% chance that not killing myself will suck, at least I'm used to the way this whole life thing sucks. I don't know about the "worse" possibility of death. Then... even alive, tomorrow could be worse than today.... and I haven't run yet. So, maybe I'm not such a pussy.

Maybe I'm just too lazy.