February 8, 2006

12:52 PM - 2/8/06
~Freeze!

It's tough to explain where my head's at. (Yes, the MRI showed that it was above my spine, but... ) I'm feeling this urge to do something... something new... something different... something. In the past, when I felt like this, I'd start a blog, start a message board, rearrange a message board, look around for someone to get involved with, follow a delusion, take a trip somewhere. I suppose it's about seeking out "change"... seeking out dissociation tools? ...playing Russian Roulette? I don't really know the Psychology behind it... but I think that it has something to do with being so discontented with the present, that you throw it all away and hope for better. Not the best place to be in. Invariably, it leads to years of picking up pieces, or regret.

I'm doing my best not to run.

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2:18 PM - 2/8/06
...and so it begins again.

Maybe it was yesterday's MRI. Maybe it was the Valium I had to take for it. Maybe it's neither.

I feel myself "snapping". More and more, "being nice" is an overwhelming effort.

I'm tempted to let go... go back into my neat and tidy delusional place... follow the ravens and drink their shit with glee... let them lead me right into a deep dark pit.

I'm afraid to go outside. I'm afraid to walk in public. I'm afraid to fall in public.

I'm tired of everything feeling so damn maudlin.

I feel rage. INTENSE rage.

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6:04 PM - 2/8/06
have to let this out

(what I really wanted to say to a comment on my ~blog)

ms is a leveler, it forces you to reevaluate EVERYTHING.
so is a MPD/DID diagnosis, like the one I got almost 12 FUCKING YEARS ago.

What you believed about yourself and others. It's not a nice disease, it humbles you in so many ways.
I'm more humble than most I know.

In some respects Cutter, I think you were like me. Smart, intelligent, witty, great with words. You took it for granted. Maybe were a little arrogant about it. Thought it would always be there. Never did a lot with it or lived up to your God givenpotential?
You need to stop projecting. I NEVER took ANYTHING for granted!!!!
...and GOD can SUCK MY DICK, while I'm sucking his!!!!

So where do you go from here, now that the brain is slipping away. You miss the BRAIN, the power it gave you to think clearly. All the patterns in the brain, images, ideas, words that would flow in harmony. My hands could never keep up with the words in my mind.
STOP PROJECTING!!!!! MY brain has been "slipping away" for almost 23 FUCKING YEARS!!!!!!!

Now there are days when I just wish for words tocomplete thoughts. I start and struggle for the word. Where the f did it go!!
UP MY ASS!!!! Want to suck it out?

So Cutter, who the F are you?? Do you know anymore?
ANYMORE?!?!?!!? I KNOW who I am! DO YOU?!?!?!?

You are a guy with MS, who writes pretty good. You lay your emotions on the line, exposing yourself.
You're an IDIOT.

Each day you go through catharsis, a mental diarrhea, writing this blog. Is it helping YOU?
Is it helping YOU?!?!?!

Running away, we both know that isn't the answer. The shit doesn't go away EVER!
But Cutter, mauybe it's time you took your act on the road. There are people who need to hear you. Doctors, MS groups, community agencies who are supposed to help.
They're all failing.
HENCE THIS FUCKING BLOG,YOU FUCKING GENIUS!!!!!

Take your energy, do something with it, before MS takes away that ability.
Just my two cents...you can tell me to go blow but...

GO BLOW, YOU STUPID CUNT!!!!!!