April 11, 2006

8:53 AM - 4/11/06
~Penance

Sometimes I wonder about good and evil... about whether or not I'm as evil as I think I am at times.

If you wish for something bad to happen to someone, and then it does, and you smile, does that make you evil? What if, after you smile, you torture yourself about smiling? Does that count as penance?

I hate the whole God thing. Not only has it completely fucked up the world, but it has tortured the fuck out of people who didn't do anything to deserve it. Good people shouldn't beat the crap out of themselves for simply being human.

"God" is the ultimate horror movie. Your folks show it to you when you're really young because they don't have answers to your questions. They don't have answers because they never dared to search for them. They never dared because of that horror movie their parents made them watch when they were little... the one that warned them to never question the whole God thing... that if they did, if they doubted, that you would stab yourself in the crotch with a crucifix and then make them lick up the mess.

I live in a world full of people who are full of fear. They fear themselves. They fear me because I mirror their soul. I carry their secrets in my pocket, and proudly display them when I'm in the mood. When I'm in the mood, I leave those who live lies, naked and petrified.

Don't worry, just put another mindless song on your ipod and forget that you read this. Don't think. Thinking lets the devil in, and you don't want to admit to wanting him there, now do you?


1:44 PM - 4/11/06
~pants on fire

(old writing, part of the Scraps project)


4am
     I don't even feel able to write. I feel like the proverbial deer caught in headlights.
     I've been in bed almost 24 hours now. I did a bunch of speed and freaked out Thursday night. I lied and called out of work. Food poisoning. My arm's cut up. I'm having trouble breathing. I feel very alone and very confused. If I didn't fear the effect it would have on my brother, I would've killed myself yesterday morning.
     I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel like I have any options. I feel insane and unable to continue in this poor excuse for a life. I don't know which way to turn. I have no desire to spend my remaining years in an asylum. It seems obvious that I can't do it alone, but... Jeez. I'm so confused. I feel so damn helpless. I can't run away, there's no where to run to.
     I'm trying to write about it... but it's not working. I'll stop my pen here.

5:07pm
     I need desperately to write, but I feel too tired. Perhaps after a nap I'll have the energy I need. But then, maybe I'll just end up getting wasted. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.


7:51 PM - 4/11/06
~I'm in love with your ghost

(old writing, part of the Scraps project)


2/22
     Went out and got exactly what I needed last night. Ray of hope. That's all I really needed. Just some hope that I can see a face and still smile at its beauty.
     Tonight? Tonight I have the knowledge that I can smile, yet not the motivation. Is it safe to fixate on one who is absent? No matter if it's one day absent or 5 years. Same difference. Absence is absence. I seem to have a thing for ghosts.