April 26, 2006

8:05 AM - 4/26/06
~Now here

I'm feeling rather odd. Can't seem to get my bearings. Everything feels off somehow... abstract.

It's interesting that often I want to crawl into a hole, and at the same time, be around groups of people. I think that it has something to do with the fact that being around groups of people forces one to crawl into oneself. Either way, in a hole or around many people, you're forced into a corner of your mind that is there for the purpose of... the purpose of... I don't know. I guess that maybe it's just about a feeling of vulnerability... about wanting to hide... about wanting to protect yourself. In the hole, I'm hidden from the world. Around people, I'm forced to put on a costume and "behave". Either way, I'm really nowhere... out of touch.

I'm tired. I need sleep. My brain is exhausting me.


12:08 PM - 4/26/06
~Having to say, "Yes".

ok, it's official, if I don't go back on Blood Pressure meds, I'm going to have a fucking stroke, if I don't have a heart attack first.

I AM NOT happy about this

I called the Pharmacy. The State is going to pick up the bulk of the cost, because Medicare D won't cover it. So, it's back on the Inderal I go, until I can get my doc to write me a scrip for a different medication.

I might be a little more stupid, but I'll probably be less of a prick. As usual, I apologize in advance.


7:46 PM - 4/26/06
~It's not stopping

I'm really, really, REALLY FUCKING ANGRY!!!!

I hate this shit. I hate this fucking disease!!!

...and you know what, I'm starting to HATE THIS BLOG.

I don't need answers!

I don't need a fucking cheering section!

I just need people to read and show a little fucking compassion!!!

I'm tired of having to fucking explain myself and the realities of my life!!!

SOMETIMES I JUST NEED TO VENT!!!!!!!!!

Do you know how many times I've had to accept help from people and had them rub it in my face? Do you know how many times I've had to let people walk all over me because they helped me out? Do you know how many times people have promised me that they'd "NEVER do that to me" and then did it?!!?!!! Do you know how many times I've (metaphorically) been starving and had "friends" dangle food in front of my face and make me beg? No! Of course you don't, that's because I won't go into it... because THAT would make me UNGRATEFUL for all of their "help".

I'd rather STEAL money from people. That way they can treat me like shit, and inside I'll know that I deserve it.



There. Much better. I knew that I had this blog for a reason.