April 12, 2006

6:15 AM - 4/12/06
~It really doesn't work.

Despite the 10mgs of Ambien I took last night, I didn't get much sleep. I really, really wanted to sleep... that's why I took the Ambien. I don't like taking medications. I hate taking medications and having them do absolutely nothing, aside from polluting my blood with unwanted chemicals.

I hope that I can manage to get a few hours of sleep at some point today. I'm passing cranky and approaching whiny.


12:03 PM - 4/12/06
~boring boring boring

(old writing, part of the Scraps project)


4/1
     Sometimes I am so bored that I feel like filling an entire piece of paper with just the word "bored" written over and over again. At least, it tells me that I like to write. Other than that though, I fear it may mean that I'm not such a creative person. Pretty depressing huh. When I think about it, the only things that really entertain me are people and animals... sometimes other living things too, like plants and rocks (Yes I know that rocks are TECHNICALLY NOT ALIVE) In general though, I'm bored a lot.
     Odd, thinking further, there's a lot on this waste of a planet... sorry... this beautiful earth that entertains me. I wonder why I'm bored so often. What is "bored", anyway? I think that maybe it's a state of non-motivation, coupled with the desire for stimulation. Sounds selfish. I don't want to do anything, but I want to be entertained. Or, perhaps it's wanting to do something specific and not being able to, and nothing else will do the trick. That sounds a bit stubborn. I definitely attach bored to unhappy though. I guess it's a feeling of dissatisfaction. Can one feel satisfied and bored at the same time? I guess not. So, because I am dissatisfied, I feel like writing the word bored over and over and over again? Hm. Sometimes... at least in the past... I've felt like writing someone's name over and over, until I got to see them again. Is that boredom, dissatisfaction, or obsession? I guess it's boredom, but in that case you know what it is you want to do. So, is the key to not being so bored all the time figuring out what it is I'm longing to do but feel unable to? Perhaps. But even the thought of figuring out what it is bores the shit out of me.


2:09 PM - 4/12/06
Fuck you

No, really, I actually have. I've fucked everyone I've ever known, some more than once. I've even fucked complete strangers. Fucked, sucked, humped, bumped... you name it, I've done it.

No one ever talks about the "hypersexuality" that can come along with MS. Repressed society. We can talk about being "unable to perform", but mention the need to jerk off 3 times a day and you may as well have admitted to shooting your mother. (I didn't shoot my mother, by the way.)

ok, fine, so I haven't fucked everyone, but in my head, I have. After a while, porn gets boring, and you have to come up with new things to get off to. Fantasy works. Anything to avoid being "sexually inappropriate" in public, or with the "wrong" people.

They say that the brain is the most important/powerful sex organ. My brain is pretty messed up. I'm great in bed though, or on the floor, outside, in a classroom, a bar, you name it. Thousands of fantasy characters can't be wrong!


4:46 PM - 4/12/06
Here we go

I'm in so much fucking pain right now it's not even funny.


6:48 PM - 4/12/06
~I'm not doing well.

I hate this fucking disease.