April 14, 2006

9:42 AM - 4/14/06
~Forgive me

I still have papers stacked on my floor... stuff I want to add into this here blog o' mine. I'll pick up one of the papers and freeze though. Screw the content, just the thought of attempting to read that much makes my eyes cross.

..."cross". I think that my Grandmother used to use that word to mean "angry"... as in, "That makes me cross." I'm not sure, but it just popped into my head.

I'm gravitating towards the smaller "scraps" ...things with just a few lines on them, rather than the pages that are full sized and covered on one, or both sides. It's easier, but I'm sure, not as interesting to whoever reads the blog entry.

I have to relax a little though. There's no time limit on the project. I don't have to race through the stacks. Why I'm pressuring myself to get it done is beyond me.

...although maybe it's just a morbid state of mind... maybe it's, "Better get as much as you can out there now. It's as close as you'll ever get to the world actually reading what you wrote. Time is running out to have it have any sort of impact on anyone or the world as a whole, good or bad."

I guess that must be important to me... making some sort of impact. ...more than average, that is. Everyone changes the world just by existing. ....the whole "butterfly effect" thing. I guess that there are butterflies, and there are bullets. (Wasn't there an album, or a song called "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"? Maybe Smashing Pumpkins?) I suppose that I always wanted to be more of a bullet.

Just looked it up. There was a song with that title, a rather appropriate one at that. Spooky when my head does that to me sometimes... gives me just the right song for the moment, or a clue of some sort which leads me to an all too appropriate song.

The song just changed. The music is loud in my head telling me that the song changed... Now it's a Tracy Chapman song. Don't know the title offhand... something about "the right words, at the right time..."

What year was that?


1:24 PM - 4/14/06
~Shall we go for three?

I'm 36. I'm an adult. That whole concept, many days, freaks me the fuck out.


6:11 PM - 4/14/06
~not worth my time

This isn't good. I'm going to sleep, in many ways.

No, I'm not offing myself, although it occurred to me... put the fucking phone down. I'm just sick and tired of dealing with idiots, and so I'm turning the fucking computer off for a while.

I'm glad I exist online. If I didn't, my belt would be notched to the point of lace.