April 16, 2006

9:35 AM - 4/16/06
~meat poets

(old writing, part of the Scraps project)


     Wish he'd just shut up. I have no desire to hear his shit. Why are some of these male poets so unbelievably crude? Is it truly necessary? Isn't there a more "poetic" way to make their point? How many times is it really necessary to say the word "fucking"? Some definitely abuse their poetic license. His words don't motivate my hands to come together. Where are the good ones? The woman who makes me laugh hysterically? The woman whose voice would make a cereal box sound good? The woman who could stand up on stage and burp, and I'd applaud? Nowhere. Only the "fucking" man, the aging hippie, and the man who likes to read newspaper clippings. Yeah, some of the women suck too. The other aging hippie, the Dr. Seuss clone, the drunken hick with the dead dog. So why do I bother sitting here with my beer and cigarettes? For the potential laugh, the ear drum massage, and the hope of catching a glimpse of the one I can't have or even approach. Legitimate reasons? Perhaps - perhaps not - but I'm here anyway. Sort of like my life. Just a few reasons to keep me going, but I use those reasons and use them and use them. They're legit, because they keep me breathing.
     He's still going. I'm still frowning. If only there were some sign of some real entertainment to come, I'd feel better. I'm so tired of people who think they're so damn clever, they're all so damn pretentious. It's a contest, who can be the most clever, the most vague, the most suggestive, Redundant.
     And so he's done and people are expected to mingle. Why? With who? What for? ok, so there are a few people worth speaking to, and so I do, but then afterwards I sit again, alone, wondering why I'm here. Hope. That's got to be it, the hope of a miracle. A laugh, a concert, an imagined interlude.


12:35 PM - 4/16/06
~Time to exhale

ok, I'm going to take my time writing this entry, because I want to be clear, and I do not wish to either scare or threaten anyone.

Many people have told me that I should publish a book. I recently found someone who is going to help me with that. Although it may take a little while, it is something which I plan on concentrating on... starting now.

So, fair warning... although I will not libel anyone, and will not go out of my way to publish hurtful things about people, my writing is rather "autobiographical", and so may reflect my dealings with others in my life.

I'm not that evil, take my word for it. I'm not shooting for "revenge" here. I'm just doing what I do, and that is writing about my life, and the way I see, or have seen things.

I'll still be blogging, but I can't say how often. I don't have a lot of energy, and the MS kicks my ass constantly. I have to use as much of that limited amount of energy as I can to work on this project.

Thank you to those of you who have been here for me, and who have encouraged and supported me. I hope not to lose any of you in this endeavor.


- Cutter