April 19 2006

6:12 AM - 4/19/06
~Now, I know jade.

Over the last few days, I think a lot of the reality of this whole MS thing is really clarifying for me.

People speak of MS as being a disease that primarily affects one's mobility. You know, canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. MS never really hit me that way until I had to adopt Nessie, and even now, I'm still pretty ok with walking, many days.

That said, I am beginning to be able to see how MS has indeed affected my mobility.

See, I've always been a traveler. At the drop of a hat, I'd run off to another State. Wherever my heart lead me, I'd go. Just drop and run. The bus, the train, my feet, it didn't matter. Now, I can't really do that anymore.

It's not because of my frequent need for Nessie, it's because of my need for sanity. Stress is very bad for MS. The brain lesions I get because I have MS... there's nothing to get them flaring up quite like stress.

Is travel stressful? It can be. The real stress comes in though, when you arrive at your destination only to be kicked in the heart... or in the head.

So, I can't do it anymore. MS has robbed me of my ability to take a chance on anyone... to throw caution to the wind... to look past all the little lies and half truths people spew in order to bask in some sort of intensity.

In the past, I'd metaphorically risk my life to follow my heart. Now, following my heart could literally kill me.

Ah, the thoughts we have when insomnia hits.

Wonder if I'll ever be able to publish anything.

Wonder if I'll ever be able to get back to the point of giving a shit.


2:43 PM - 4/19/06
~not good

I'm feeling really, really, really dangerously angry right now.


4:32 PM - 4/19/06
...and here I go.

Although I did actually start the book project, I find myself at a standstill. I just can't go through that right now. I don't want to keep reading over my past... over and over again.

I think that what I might end up doing is just using my ~blog, plus adding in stuff that isn't already there. I need to think on it further, but right now it seems to make sense. I've been far from well, and too much stress will kill the idea entirely. Shoot, too much stress will kill me, period.

Wish my head would stop hurting, and wish my heart would stop wanting.

Damn Southern women. They get me every time.


7:52 PM - 4/19/06
~c thru me

Is it a secret, or is it a lie...

Is that lightning, or blood in the sky...


I wrote that... years ago. It was a song.

Why is it in my head?