April 22, 2006

10:38 AM - 4/22/06
~The cost of living

To put things lightly, I'm not doing very well... not on any level.

I'm losing what I have in my life which is keeping me going.

Money. I don't have very much of it. It takes money to live though, and money to keep me from giving up.

It's just a machine... they're all just machines, but they're all I have. The computer, the phone, and the television... they all have price tags and shelf lives.

See, I don't have a real life. My life is in my head. Take away the accessories, and I'm just left with my brain. ...and my brain is prone to eating itself.

I want to be able to keep going. I really do. I just don't know that I can afford to anymore.


3:51 PM - 4/22/06
~Life as a "have not"

Well, Best Buy decided that it would not be in their best interest to help me finance a new computer.

So, fuck me.

If I'm suddenly not here, it's because I'm not worthy of a fucking computer that works.


10:57 PM - 4/22/06
I should name my lesions

I can't seem to shake this depression. When I drink, sometimes it eases up a bit, but generally, this has been going on for weeks, it seems. Depression and anger... they take turns.

Too, the smallest things affect me way too intensely, whether they're good things or bad. One minute I'm in love because someone sneezed in my direction, and the next I'm about to kill myself because I didn't get any mail.

I am struggling. I'm trying to play it off... don't want to pull people down with me... fear being too honest... fear scaring people...

Not like anyone can do anything anyway. It's my brain. It's broken.

Everyone has my blog address, excepting my mother. Everything I write there can be read by just about everyone I've ever known. Some of those people, I feel like I could kill. I know that I really couldn't, otherwise I'd have done it by now, but it doesn't change the anger... yet, I type away on my blog, and don't point the finger at them... don't want to hurt their feelings... don't want to hurt them like they hurt me.

How in DOG's NAME could a person who is supposed to be my parent read all I've written on that blog of mine and still not make any sort of effort?

AM I THAT HORRIBLE OF A HUMAN BEING?!?!?!?!?!?!