December 11, 2005

12:00 PM - 12/11/05
~huh?

I blacked out most of whatever happened after I posted the Richard Pryor entry.

All I know is that I called my mother, and it was not good. I remember yelling. Her trying to get my address out of me, so that she could show up with one of her church friends... all but demanding the name of my doctor, so that she could talk with him. I think that she referred to me as "her little girl". I vaguely remember hanging up on her... something to do with God and cursing.

I obviously was listening to Fleetwood Mac, there's a CD out of the case, and I obviously took a Seroquel, it was written down.

I got deleted from a message board. No clue what happened there, because I don't have access to it anymore.

Apparently I called my ex, because she left a message on my voicemail.

There was a Root Beer can next to my bed. I vaguely remember drinking that, but I'm pretty sure that was this morning.

Yes... this is the life I'm supposed to hang onto... that I'm supposed to fight for... that I'm supposed to want to live.

Right.

---

1:03 PM - 12/11/05
~Rack 'em

It's best for me to avoid human contact, especially conversation. That's one of the reasons I had to start this blog. It's not about needing to control everything, it's about knowing that problems erupt wherever I go. It's about knowing that, often, I can't be nice. My honesty can be brutal.

Looking at my phone, I did try to reach out to other people before I called my mother, last night. I knew that I wasn't doing well. I just needed the ear of someone, I guess. This stupid disease killed Richard, but it'll be listed as a "heart attack". It's the same with the whole drug thing. People want to blame the drugs. They don't stop to think about the reason why he was using cocaine in the first place. He was using it because he was "bad", of course... not because it made him feel as close to human as he could possibly get.

MS. The ups are UP and the downs are DOWN. Drink when it's going too fast. Snort when it's going too slow. Even it out. ...anything!!! just MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

Maybe what I wanted was for my mother to have some sort of epiphany... that maybe it's not my fault. All I got were threats, thinly disguised as caring. I know the tone... I know when she's plotting. Yes, I suffer from paranoia, but I know my mother... when it comes to things like this, I know her. It's that tone, right before she hits you... the tone that screams "duck!".

December. Fun stuff.

Wish I had an eight ball.

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9:18 PM - 12/11/05
~Even Now

Can't sleep. Keep pushing myself to stay away from the phone. Even now, after all of what went down last night, I want to call her and apologize... to keep hoping... maybe if I say the right thing, she'll come around... she'll wake up... she'll decide to put me first... before her church, before her guilty conscience, before anyone or anything...

I'm sure that she's scared of me. Many people, who don't know me, are. There's really nothing to be afraid of though. I'll sooner hurt myself than anyone else... unless I'm protecting myself, of course... but even then, I'm the type to double check myself before doing anything.

I think that what I want... maybe what I've always wanted, is someone who will put me first. Someone who will always answer the phone, and always have time to talk with me... someone whose life or lifestyle won't trump me... no matter what I do, no matter what I say. Someone who would defend me to the death. Someone who'd never take anyone else's word over mine. Someone who believed in me... believes me. Someone who doesn't expect sex. Someone who doesn't even expect my time, but who always appreciates it. Someone I could never let down. Someone I could never scare.

Right.

I'm allergic dogs.