December 20, 2005

6:50 AM - 12/20/05
~Saying no to maybe

Odd dreams. A lot going on in my head, I suppose.

I'm glad that I got some sleep. More than anything, I can safely say, sleep helps. It's not just that it gives my carcass a rest, but it seems that it's calming. After getting sleep, no matter what the dreams, I seem to feel not as angry somehow.

The anger will come back, it always does. Already I can feel it creeping back. I'm sure that it has something to do with being in pain. My whole body just wants to curl up.

I have this new medication that I'm supposed to start. Lamictal. I'm supposed to take it twice a day, building up from 25/25 to 100/100 mg a day. Makes me nervous even thinking about it.

I think that I'm a bit of a control freak. What little clarity I have, I don't want to be forced to get rid of. That's the thing with drugs... all of a sudden, you're taking it to feel ok, even if you would have felt fine to begin with. You start taking it out of fear instead of need, or even want. I suppose that if any drug had ever really worked well, I wouldn't have minded taking it, and I'd still be taking it. That's sort of like my shots... it works well for me. I hate giving myself a shot, but the pain is worth the effect. I'd like to stop taking the Inderal, but my body is addicted to it at this point, I think.

I really have a love/hate relationship with "substances". I'm all for them, but I'm for using them, not having them use me. I want to take a drug because I want to take it, not because I need to take it. A drug should make me feel good. If it doesn't, I don't want to take it. If I stop taking a drug, I shouldn't feel worse than I felt before taking the drug. ...and the whole "it has to build up in your system" thing? That makes me want to slap people. All that means to me is that I'm slowly being addicted to something. There's this poison, and we want to build you up to where you actually need it... we want to bring you to a place where if you don't take it, your own body will hurt you. Makes no fucking sense to me. There's no naturally occurring Lamictal in my body that I happen to be missing, it's not like I have replace it with artificial Lamictal. They try to bait you with a potential prize. I don't do "maybe"s. "Maybe" makes me nuts. Screw "This might..."!

Right. All that said, I'll end up trying it. Truth is, I feel shitty enough to take a chance.

I'll give it a week.

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10:20 AM - 12/20/05
~Cutter goes to South Park

I'm so amused.

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4:49 PM - 12/20/05
~for the moment

Having a brief burst of energy/clarity. I think that I'm getting nervous about taking the new medication tonight.

I suppose, if I could just keep myself nervous all the time, I'd be good to go. Maybe "go" right into the grave, but hey, at least I'll have done something productive.

Been able to reply to a couple of blog/journal entries. I feel happy about that. I hate when I can't reply to people's blogs, or e-mails, or posts, or whatever. It's all I've got left to make me feel even slightly human... or, worth a crap.

I hope that I don't get the "deadly skin rash". That would suck. All of this, and I drop dead from a rash. Possible side effects. woohoo.

I'll take it at 11. If I wake up with a rash, I'll not take more of it.


Played the lottery for tonight. I think it's at about 53 million. I promise, if I win, I'll fly everyone into Philly (who's not there already) and take us all out for dinner... and pay for the hotel, and the return trip too. I'd really like to meet you peeples.


Just wanted to say that.


oh, yeah, and I'll be making a GENEROUS donation to Rocky too. ~blog has helped keep me going for a lot longer than I thought I'd make it.

Tomorrow makes it a year since I arrived in MA from MT.

Shoot... was it, technically, the 21st? There was an accident on the way. The train in front of us overturned, and we had to get on a bus. I know that I got in WAY late.

Whatever. Close enough. I made it. I'm here. I'm not there. This is a GOOD thing.

*extends middle finger*

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7:01 PM - 12/20/05
The hit count (14) Milestone

45,678

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7:43 PM - 12/20/05
The hit count (15) Re: Milestone

I just like the 45678 thing. The next one will have to be 56789. Then, no more until 123456!