December 18, 2005

6:05 AM - 12/18/05
~name calling

Up and smoking away. Drinking coffee. Further dehydrating myself.

Got a link to an article having something to do with PRMS. It makes me sad. Once, I could have read and understood it. Now, I'm just overwhelmed by all the words in such a small space. I really do want to read the article. Maybe one sentence at a time... but then, I'll forget the sentence I previously read before reading another.

There isn't much info out there, it seems.

When I was in the hospital, back in March, the Neurologist that worked with me while I was there tried to explain something about the different types of MS. I think that what it boiled down to was that, really, you just either have MS or you don't. All the different types are more for figuring out how to treat it. Everyone with MS is, generally, their own sub-type.

It's difficult not to let things sway me. I mean, I've had this disease for forever and a day. More than anyone, I should know how it works with me. It doesn't matter that I was told to call it something else, it's still the same group of symptoms... ok, plus a few new ones, but still... Knowing that it's MS is both a plus and a minus. Yes, now I know what's actually going on. That's a plus in that at least I know that I'm not crazy. Knowing what's actually going on is scary though. That's a minus. Fear is not a good thing. Conquering fear is a battle in and of itself. It's tough not to give into it... not to be swayed by it. I dealt with the "disease" for a long time, no matter what anyone called it. Now that it has a proper name, I, all of a sudden, can't deal?

No... that's not it. It's not "all of a sudden I can't deal". I couldn't deal, even before I got the proper name. I was planning on killing myself... getting closer and closer... I just couldn't take it anymore.

So, does having the "correct" name for it make things easier? I don't know. I really don't. I don't know if there's any strength left in the reserves. I don't know if I can take another year like the last. It's like death... it'll be better, worse, the same, or nothing at all. ...the unknown... I've never been one to fear the unknown. I've been the type to pounce on it.

Right... pounce on it... right after this nap... or the next... or maybe the one after that...

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4:09 PM - 12/18/05
~end of another

I think that I'm just, sort of, sulking.

I have no clue what I did today, other than watch tv.

...oh yeah, I cleaned my toilet. joy.


I have a headache.

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7:56 PM - 12/18/05
~Slice! The other white meat!

I should be watching CSI. I like CSI. I'm not though. I'm here... in front of the screen...

I am Cutter.

I cut.

Deal with it.